Just Keep On Keeping On
by x.soaked-silly
Summary: "Then you take him!" she shouts. Then she holds up her middle fingers and mouthes the words 'fuck you' to me and takes off."/ Or, Jade West abandons her kid with Robbie and then leaves, driven crazy from Beck Oliver's death.
1. Beck's Story

_Just Keep On Keeping On: Beck's Story_

Beck Oliver. That guy with the handsome hair. That cool dude with all the girls. That boy who maybe everyone kind of had a crush on. That Oliver kid. Everyday you came to school, your fluffy hair done perfectly, cascading down to your shoulders and out in exactly two waves, and an outfit that looked like you hired a fashion designer to make for you the day before. That was put together, good looking, Beck Oliver.

You always strode into the school confidently, your one hand in your dark brown jacket and another grasping the brown cardboard that encased your freshly brewed coffee. I should know. I saw you every morning and it's almost as if I had deja vu because each day nearly always started out as a carbon copy of the last. You were the same old picture perfect Beck and nothing changed besides your outfit.

You were almost, dare I say, _boring_. Predictable. I wouldn't even have to attend school to know that the day I'm absent you would walk in through those double doors, three or four girls at your heels admiring the way you chewed your gum or perhaps drooling over your beautiful eyes, and you would casually slip over to your transparent locker, dismissing the girls with a flip of your hair, a wink, and an 'I'll catch you later.'

Ha. Ever the ladies' man.

But anyway, you know, now that I think about it, your locker was ironic. You said it represented that you had no secrets. That you weren't deep and essentially, or so you would explain with a small laugh, what you saw was what you got. There was nothing more to you than what met the eye. Or, at least that's what you wanted everyone to believe. Needed them to believe.

But, as the cliche goes, everybody has a story.

We didn't have many classes together, only two. Despite being part of the gang, you and I were always distant. Friends, yes, but we didn't connect. After all, I was your stereotypical nerd with glasses and, for a bonus, a puppet he used to portray all of his negative emotions, and you were the hyped up Hollywood popular male student whom all the guys wanted to be friends with and whom all the girls wanted to be with. We didn't exactly have personalities that matched, even though we attempted to make them fit. Like that one time where you and I had hung out and we had maybe a half hour's worth of subjects to talk about before it became awkwardly silent, neither of us able to think of anything to say or do, and I started to do that weird thing where I bite and play with my lips (luckily Cat had called not long after to break the silence). We just weren't that compatible.

Still though, I sat a few seats away from you in the two classes we had together and only made conversation when something that related to both of us came up, which wasn't often. So instead of saying needless things like 'how's the weather' or 'what's up' I just focused on the lesson at hand, occasionally glancing over at you, jealous of you, wondering what it would be like if just for a day, _I_ could be _the_ Robbie Shapiro- or better yet, _the_ Beck Shapiro. _I_ could be the transparent guy that girls fawned over and boys wanted to be. _I_ could be the popular dude that losers and nerds envied.

And maybe once or twice every so often, I would catch myself zoning out, daydreaming about what it would be like to have the ladies laugh at my jokes, to be able to entertain my friends so that no one hurriedly walked away when I was trying to have a conversation, just to be someone else entirely on a whole different level of the social status. I would catch myself wishing that I was you.

If I ever told you that, I think you would laugh in my face, and to tell you the truth, now that I think back on it, I would laugh to. I was so naive back then. So stupid, even if all my grades were (and are even better than if I may add) an A average. See, I may have had book smarts, but I didn't have street smarts. Or, that's what everyone tells me. No real common sense. But everyone told you that you had it all. Street smarts _and_ good grades.

Except, I don't think that you were all that smart. Not in the street sense. Because if you had been, maybe all these problems could have been avoided. Maybe you would've made better decisions. But maybe those are just my musings, because you were Beck Oliver, the boy who was smart.

Also, the boy who was _confident_.

People called you _confident_. You would walk into a room and command attention. It was almost as if you were standing up on a chair yelling, "Here I am world! I'm Beck Oliver! I'm over here!" Everyone would turn around and look at you and wave, nearly begging for you to notice them. And you would to. You would glance around the room, full of grins and smiles for everyone, even me. You were kind like that.

Anyway, it was like you would strut into a room, shoulders held up and straight regally, face beaming, an almost cocky smile sprawled on like a smack to the face. And for some reason, no one hated it. They liked how you could be so proud, so sure of yourself when so many other teenagers weren't. You almost became a role model for others our age. Something, or someone everyone aspired to be. You were phantasmagoric. Something unworldly.

Only, you weren't. You were human, just like the rest of us. And it's almost as though you failed everyone who had looked up to you. Like you lied to them about your life and made yourself out to be something you weren't. At least, that's the spin some people put on it. Some blamed you for what happened, but the majority pitied you and sympathized with you, painting you out to only have been a victim, something all of us are at one point in our lives. But me...I just think you're stupid. I don't blame you, but I don't think you're a 'victim' either. But when I told the others this, they yelled at me. Hollered at me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that I was never close to you like they were.

It was insulting really, although not that I'm not used to it.

These problems that you had...They all started out one day when you showed up to school five minutes before the bell when usually you're there about ten to fifteen minutes before class starts. Well, I shouldn't say they _started_ _out_. I'm not entirely sure when it came about, when you realized what you had realized, but I noticed it that Tuesday when you had come a tad bit late. The others saw this as well, but didn't say anything, thinking nothing of it. I really didn't think anything of it either. Until I greeted you and asked if you were all right because you were looking a little lethargic. You answered, but I wasn't really paying attention, one, because I knew you would lie to me to cover up whatever it was you were hiding, and two, I was to shocked because, well...you stuttered. And Beck Oliver never stammered.

Not once in your whole life had you gotten caught on a word. It was like the fact that you were never scared. It just _was_. There was no reason for it; you had just never stuttered on a word a day in your life. Except, maybe that's a bad analogy because there actually was a reason you were never scared. I remember that time I had asked you about it while all of that..._stuff_...had been happening. You looked me in the eye, saying nothing, before sighing and looking down at the ground. It had hurt for me to see you lose all of that pride and gaze down at your feet in defeat. But, anyway, for some reason, you decided to trust me. Maybe it was because you felt as though you had nothing left to lose.

"I'm not scared of anything because there's never been anything that's scared me more than what I've experienced."

"I'm not scared because there's never been more scary experiences."

"I'm not scared."

Simple, yet not. I tried to press the matter, but you seemed to have had enough of it and had walked away from me, leaving me flabbergasted, futilely calling out your name in the hopes that you would return. But I should have known better, because you never came back anyway. That's just something you didn't do. Not really.

But, getting back to the point, that day that you stammered, that you got stuck on that one word...well it wasn't just one word. It was many more than that. Throughout the rest of the day, whenever I attempted to talk to you, there was always that pause before your words. Like you had been thinking, debating with yourself over what you should say and what you should keep secret. It was a hitch right before you talked, like your voice was stuck in your throat. I couldn't help but wonder what was causing you to hesitate.

So I asked.

But in response, you only grinned at me like I was a moron and ran a hand through your brown hair. I shouldn't have cared. I should have just let it go. But I began to almost, in a way, watch you instead of focusing in class. I began to notice more things about you. Like the way that your shoulders were slumping every so often and the way your award winning smile wasn't really all that anymore. Sometimes your breath, which was usually minty fresh (I was very observant, all right?) sometimes, kind of...smelled. But it was just little things. Mistakes that normal people made on a daily basis.

Except, you weren't supposed to be normal. You were supposed to have no flaws. You were supposed to be the perfect guy, the head honcho around Hollywood Arts. But here you were, at last exposing your imperfections, although hardly anyone realized. Not that they should because it wasn't anything out of the ordinary for the common student.

But one day it became more than just a hitch in your voice, more than just a small malfunction in your cleanliness. It was more like a stitch. Like a small string was slightly ripped and frayed. I don't think anyone else was able to see, but I did. It was brief, but I still saw it. I still saw your eyes water and fill with sorrow and this...unhappiness. Almost regret. Almost apprehension. Almost _confusion_. _Almost_. Your brows had furrowed slightly and you pursed your lips and bit the inside of your mouth like you were restraining yourself. You glanced down at your shoes and just stared. Just stared, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 seconds.

It lasted for maybe thirty-seconds. Just thirty-seconds. No one saw, no one realized. Just me. I was the only one who was able to note the way your frame shook slightly, the way your toes pointed slightly inwardly, and how your hands folded, supporting your forehead, elbows resting on your knees as you sat. But then it was suddenly..._gone_. Then it just disappeared and was replaced with the oh so familiar expressionless face of Beck Oliver.

After class, I caught up to you, put my hand on your stiff shoulder, and asked what had happened. You turned to me, gave me a grave smile, and shook your head as if to indicate no, don't ask. "It's nothing Robbie. Just have a lot of homework."

"Beck, I-I...I'm not stupid! I kno-" I had stammered, but you had just turned around and walked away, leaving me with a stupefied expression, mouth slightly ajar in the audacity of your actions and eyes bulging in disbelief.

After that occurrence, I usually made sure to check up on you during our classes together at least ten times (yes, I counted). We may not have been the best of friends, but we were friends nonetheless and that meant I cared about you. Besides, you were kind of my idol, as I said before.

Anyway, soon a week went by, then two...then three...and then I lost count but finally, somewhere along the line, you came into school, cracked. Broken. Out of place. You walked in through those double doors like you did every single weekday, but this time was different. You were messy looking. Dirty looking, like you hadn't showered last night and hadn't bothered to pick out an outfit that matched. It looked like you just didn't care and had decided to come into school with what you wore to bed. It was shocking to say the least. Sure, everybody had an off day once in a while where girls, and guys wearing man makeup, decided to apply nothing to their face and come natural, but you never did. Ever. You were Beck Oliver, and you were supposed to be perfect. Not this...this _slob_.

No one had expected this sudden change. It wasn't gradual; it seemed like a snap decision. You hadn't slowly deteriorated into this boy who looked like he had seen better days at the very least. It was fast. Quick with seemingly no legitimate reason for it. Like you had just _snapped_. The rest of the gang had immediately surrounded you, begging you to tell them what was wrong. You just said that you were tired and hadn't felt like dressing up and blah blah blah. I had honestly tuned you out because I was looking at Jade who was silently standing in a puerile remonstration of the world. She had her arms crossed, but something felt off. Like she knew something about this even though you two had broken up.

I had decided to question her about this when we were by our lockers and no one else was around.

"Jade?"

"What."

"What's up with Beck? He's acting all wonky recently, at least according to this new Pear Pad app I just got which can read feel-" Yes, I had used the feeling check app on you.

"Why should I know," she interrupted.

"Well I just thought since you two used to...you know...date," I mentioned awkwardly, sort of shrugging. I had hoped it had come off as cute instead of dorky or just plain idiotic.

"Can it Shapiro," Jade had responded, giving me an eye roll and then slamming her locker shut, storming away as per usual with her books. Except, I noted that she hadn't grabbed her history materials, whether in pure forgetfulness or to get away from me. Considering Jade West never forgot, I assumed it was the latter.

But I didn't press.

I went home that day without any answers. Although the next day, I was able to actually talk to you. For a little bit.

"Beck...why?" I floundered, gesturing to God knows what after I had dragged you into the janitor's closet. Sometimes I came here to cry just like Jade (although I highly doubt she came to _cry_ necessarily; she wasn't exactly human and I wasn't sure if aliens had tear ducts) and I supposed it would be a nice secluded place to talk.

You took a moment, extended a hand to the nearby shelf and played with an item on it. Whenever we hung out and things became awkwardly silent when both of us ran out of things to say or do, you would feel uncomfortable and always find something to play with. It was like your way of occupying yourself so that you didn't have to deal with the problem at hand.

"I don't know."

"You can't not _not_ know!"

"It's just...things have be-"

"Is it Jade?"

There was a heavy silence and I cleared my throat before repeating myself. You stopped playing with the item on the shelf and looked at me, not saying a word. Not confirming or denying. I began to squirm under your intense stare.

"Is it your family then?"

You merely scoffed.

"Friends?"

Still nothing.

"Friends, exes, _and_ family?" I questioned, astonished.

You laughed to yourself, though it was more dry than I remembered and less enthusiastic. "You know Shapiro, you can be pretty intuitive." I wasn't sure whether to have taken that seriously or as a joke, so I said the next thing that came to mind.

"You mean I'm right?"

You didn't answer, instead replied cryptically. "Sometimes you gotta wonder where you're going in life and who's going to be in it, and who you're never going to see again." Then you walked out, although not without holding the janitor's door open for me to squeak through after you.

After that, I had tried again and again to get you to open up. I recounted tales of my failure of a childhood in the hopes to create, perhaps, a bond, even told you some secrets like why I carried Rex and what I used to keep my skin looking so healthy and baby soft it could almost rival Jade's. You would just grin and dismiss me without a second thought.

Until one day when I found you crying out in the hall in a small corner. Or, it wasn't crying, more like just staring, wallowing in this grief. Your eyes were teary, yet nothing fell, and you didn't make a sound. You just sat there, pressed up against the wall, kind of staring off into space. Not really there.

"Beck...Beck. Beck, come on, please get up or tell me what's wrong or _something_," I tried to persuade you and then reached down and grabbed your hand, gently pulling to get you to your feet. At least, before I realized how weird this might look to any passerby and dropped your hand.

"Beck!"

"Robbie, stop. Just go away."

"No! Not until you tell me what's been bothering you! You always look like a hot mess an-"

"Well what are you supposed to do when you feel like there's nothing else left to do? Can you tell me that?...Well can you!"

"I-I...What?" I asked blankly, not having been exactly prepared for that kind of question. I had assumed I'd be the one questioning and you'd be the one answering, but the roles were quickly reversed.

You scoffed and looked away from me. "This is stupid," you growled, getting to your feet, making no sense.

"W-What's stupid?" I squeaked.

"_This_!" You wildly gestured to everything with your arms, brown eyes open wide and scary. I'd never seen you so emotional before. You had always been so distant, so out of touch with your emotions that, usually, you never portrayed any.

There was a silence, neither of us knowing what to say or even to do. It was quiet and you refused to make eye contact with me, like if you avoided me this situation would just disappear. Or maybe it was because you didn't want to see my reaction to your quite unmanly outburst (since you always considered 'being a man' not allowing others to see your feelings).

After a while I cleared my throat. Then there was nothing again.

"Beck...I...I d-don't understand." It came out in a high pitched voice even though only a minute or so before I had cleared my throat.

You glanced at me angrily before trying to walk away, but I positioned myself to block you, although I was well aware that you could easily just knock me down. After all, you were strong, not like Andre, but strong nonetheless.

"What Robbie! Just get the hell out of my way!"

"It's not good to keep your emotions bottled up like this! One day you might explode, l-like a volcano or something! Trust me. I go every week to a group for teenagers where they can just spill what they're feeling and it helps! You can't just keep going around like this!"

You didn't say anything, just glared at me and pushed past me. I rubbed my shoulder where you had brushed past as I watched you stalk away.

The next day was awful. You didn't come to school. Although when you did show up the day after that, we didn't talk. Didn't do anything. And that was how the next month went. Everyday you would come into school unhygienic, messy looking, almost disturbing, and we wouldn't say a word to each other. You wouldn't even look at me.

I decided to give you time, because, as the saying goes, only time can heal. And it did. At least a little bit, because one day I came up to talk to you, after about a month or so, and you kept the conversation up, acting like nothing had happened and we were okay, even though I saw the slight fear in your frame and maybe perhaps noticed the way your eyes continually scanned my face for any sort of judgement.

Life went on more normally after that, except we started to hang out more. Have more things to talk about. I never knew we liked the same music, had the same fascination with older Disney movies, and, contrary to the popular 'nerds don't do sports,' we both liked skateboarding. There was a bunch of other things to and it made me feel guilty that I had pegged us as completely different personalities, separated by the walls of the social status chart, because you were just a regular guy. Like everyone else. Like me.

But then things began to get worse again and all our texts, all our phone calls, even all our plans to hang out just stopped. You skipped school at least once every week and you stopped talking. It was like you were setting up a barrier between you and the world. Like you wanted to surround yourself in with brick walls. Even though I so desperately tried to get to you, it didn't work. No, you just ignored all my texts, phone calls, and would avoid me because you knew that I was going to ask you what was up. Fortunately for me, you were predictable, and as time went on I was able to devise a plan to corner you so that you had to answer.

It was simple really. Every Friday, if you were here, you went into the Blackbox to grab some papers, or so I was informed. So one day I followed you in and quietly shut the door behind me. I leaned against it casually, barricading any attempts you may make to slip out.

"Beck," I greeted and you turned around, startled, papers flying out of your hand. Your expression of surprise softened into one of relief when you saw it was me, but then once again hardened into a look of dislike. "I...You...Just why, Beck. Why."

"Why do you keep trying to talk to me Robbie?" you countered after a small second in which you anxiously ran your hand through your greasy hair.

"I'll ask the questions," I asserted and you threw your hands up in the air, exasperated.

"Of course you will," you responded dryly before turning away from me and sitting down on a chair. You propped up your elbows on your knees and then buried your face in your hands and I felt a stab of pity. I felt like I was pushing you to do something you weren't quite ready to do. After all, if you said it aloud, if you admitted it, it would mean it was true. It would mean that you were opening yourself up to judgement and perhaps the slight chance that I could run from the room and shout the very things you told me in confidence.

I uncomfortably shifted from foot to foot before walking over to you. I put my hand on your shoulder and you looked up at me. We made eye contact, but it was brief and I quickly glanced away. I was never any good with communicating, especially when it involved looking into someone's eyes for long periods of time.

"You'll feel better if you tell me," I tried, or rather lied. You seemed to have known I was lying because you scoffed and shook your head. For some reason you had always been good at telling if someone was lying. Maybe it was because you yourself were a liar. A fake. You lived your life as though you had held no secrets, but that was a lie. Everything was just a lie in the end. I often wonder how you lived with that knowledge.

"Telling anyone anything won't change the situation. There's no point," you grunted with a dry laugh, something you had become an expert at in the last few months because you never truly laughed anymore. Not really.

"There's a point," I stubbornly insisted, taking my hand from your shoulder and crossing my arms across my chest. I stood tensely, waiting for you to argue back.

"Oh yeah? And what's that? So that you can go summon up magical fairies that can somehow solve all my fucking problems?" I winced at the curse word because you never cursed. It was against your morals. You always said what you say represents who are you and that if you talk bad, you are then, essentially, bad.

"So you admit you have problems," I stated.

"That's not exactly anything new," you countered harshly, your voice holding an edge to it so that if I was in the right frame of mind I would have been scared. But it's a funny thing that you always had this effect on me that made me braver. Maybe you made me aspire to be more confident like you. Either way, whenever I was with you, I felt a surge of bravery like I could argue against someone and actually, for once, win.

"Then tell me what's wrong," I encouraged you to speak your mind.

"You wouldn't understand," you barked back and I knew I must have had you cornered because whenever you couldn't think of any other half decent information to counter with, you resulted to cliches.

"You can't just assume. That's rude."

You chuckled at that, although I couldn't tell if it was because you truly found it funny or you just found it so insane that you were having this conversation with me of all people. The nerd with a seemingly perfect life, besides the occasional bullies, and a wealthy family. Then there was a moment of silence and you looked up the ceiling like you were thinking about something important, and maybe you were.

"Rob, what are you going to do in life?" you asked offhandedly. The question took me by surprise and I gave a crooked smile, eyebrows lifting in confusion.

"I, uh, have my plans."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I'm going to be a famous actor one day. Do something that involves, um, Rex. Maybe have my own show for little kids that parents can cuddle with their children and watch together as a family. Can laugh together as a family," I admitted, slightly fearful that you would make fun of me because whenever I had told my aspirations to anyone else, they had all laughed in my face and told me good luck. No one believed I could do it. Everyone believed I was just the wimpy, sappy, nerd who may or may not be gay.

You smirked and played with your hands some. "That's a really good dream."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Yeah," you answered.

"What about you? Do you have any, er, plans for the future, I guess?" I pressed, seeing no point in why you had originally brought this conversation up. Nonetheless, I decided to continue going with it.

"Nah." Your answer was plain and simple as well as slightly depressing.

"_Nah_? Well why not? If you really wanted to, you could be anything. Any_one_. So what do you mean, _nah_?" I asked, baffled, because it was true. If you really set your mind to it, you could achieve anything. You just needed to clean up. You had the smarts, you had the talent, you had the charisma. You could be anything in life and it made me jealous just thinking about it.

"I can't," you deadpanned, shrugging, face emotionless.

"You _can't_?"

You allowed a grin to pull at the corners of your mouth. "Rob, I'm not going anywhere in life. There's no point in trying anymore. I'm going to stay here, at home, and you'll grow up and make kids across America laugh. That's it. There's nothing else left to explain," you stated and got up, tracking towards the double doors. I followed diligently behind you, spewing with anger.

"Uh, I think there is _everything_ left to explain!" I insisted. "Beck Oliver you can't just leave this room like this and expect this conversation to be over. I can't be silen-" I cut myself off as you exited and let the heavy metal doors swing back in my face. And as you had said before, that was it.

You stopped coming to school after that. No one ever heard from you or saw you again. I tried calling you. I tried everything in the book like bicycling past your house slowly on the way to school, trying to peer into the windows. I cut some of my classes to go look around the school to see if you were here. I even visited Lane and asked what had happened to you, but he said he didn't know, or at least wouldn't tell me if he did.

The rest of the gang tried to find what had happened to you as well. Tori had even gone to your house a few times, but no one ever answered and the door was always locked.

So I decided to wait a few weeks to see if you would turn up. The weeks soon turned into months and months turned into three and people started to forget about charismatic, popular, smart Beck Oliver. Everybody turned to Andre to look up to and to model themselves after. You had been a fad and were now a thing of the past. No one cared about you anymore. No one wondered where you went any longer.

But I still cared. I still wondered where you had gone and why you had seemingly just up and left with no reason. And soon my questions were answered by an announcement over the loud speaker. It still rattles me to this day to think about it.

"_Good morning students. This is your principal speaking. I'm sure you all remember Beck Oliver. A well liked boy with amazing acting talent. A few months ago he left this school and now...Now I'm sorry to say that...that even though...He just had so much promise...Beck Oliver had been found dead a few weeks ago. The police say it was suicide. I'm not sure why, but my condolences to any of his family and friends. He was a wonderful boy. A smart boy who many people looked up to. In honor of his death, I'm asking you all to make this week and next week his weeks. Wear..._"

I really hadn't bothered to pay attention after that. All that was going through my head was that it couldn't be true. It couldn't be right. They must have had identified the wrong body because I had just seen you a few months ago. You were breathing then. You were alive. I just couldn't grasp the fact that what the principal was saying was true and that you really weren't here anymore. _Why_ you weren't here anymore.

As expected, I, as well as all as the gang, took off from school for the week. I refused to leave the house and just sat on the couch, numbly watching television. I never cried. Just lived in shock. I didn't understand. You had _everything_. How could your life have gone so downhill? And so quickly as well? In just one year, you were gone. Our senior year no less. This wasn't supposed to have happened. You were supposed to have graduated with all of us. You were supposed to have gone on to do great things. You were always supposed to make it farther than me, the nerd.

But you hadn't.

Eventually I began to blame myself. There had to have been something I could have done to save you. Maybe if I had pressed a little bit more for information or even cared just a smidgen more this wouldn't have happened. You would still be here, smiling and laughing and care free. But you weren't. And you never would be.

The week dragged on slowly. My family tried to cheer me up but it never worked. Soon Monday rolled around and tired of sitting at home alone in my room with only a small lamp on for light, I went to school. Everyone was back and things seemed to be returning to normal except for the excessive donning of those suspenders you always wore in the wrong way. It was painful, I had to admit. Everywhere I looked I saw your signature style and sometimes I felt as though one of the brightly colored suspenders would be yours. They never were.

So life went on as normally as possible for the majority of us. Except for Jade's. She hadn't come to school at all the week everyone else returned. And not for the week after nor the week after that until finally, on a very dreary Tuesday, she returned, no make up, no highlights in her hair, and no coffee in her hand. I had originally assumed she was more upset than the others because when you two broke up I thought she still had feelings for you. And maybe that was so, but not entirely, because when I asked if she was okay even though I knew she wasn't (no one was), she broke down.

"Jade, hey, you're back. That's good to see," I greeted her, smiling sheepishly and leaning against my locker which was only around two down from her scissor covered one.

"Not really," she growled back tiredly. "It'd be better if I wasn't." She flung her locker open and scanned the books inside, but after deciding upon something she slammed it shut, having grabbed no books or anything school related from it.

"Hey, we all miss Beck just as much as you but we're al-" I tried to console her and let her know she was not alone but she must have took it the wrong way because she interrupted me mid sentence.

"Oh shut the fuck up Shapiro. You have no idea what you're saying," she spat. Then she angrily began to storm out of the school. I scurried after her, dropping my math book on the floor so that it wouldn't weigh me down if it just so happened that I would have to follow Jade all the way home or something just to get her to admit exactly why she hasn't been able to come to school for a month. Yes, you were gone and it was heartbreaking, but she had taken off much longer than everyone else.

"Uh, I beg your pardon, but yes I do," I anxiously called after her, also stomping out of the school. She picked up the pace and I began to run until I was in front of her. I spread my arms out wide like a barrier even though she could easily just walk to the side, which she did.

She gave a wry laugh. "Don't even attempt Shapiro," she hissed. I chased after her and firmly grabbed her shoulder even though I was well aware I was much weaker than her and if she wanted to, she could beat me up.

"What's up with you Jade?" I asked cruelly, narrowing my eyes. I gave her shoulder a squeeze when she looked down at her black combat boots.

"Beck's dead. What else do yo-"

"It's not just that West," I coldly barked and she looked up at me, alarmed. I was shocking myself. I had never been this abrasive, but she knew something about your death. That I could tell. I might not have had much common sense, but I could tell she was withholding information about your suicide.

When she didn't answer, I tightened my grip on her. "What happened to him," I demanded. Still she refused to answer, instead dropping her gaze to once again look at her combat boots. I began to get sick of it. "Why the _fuck_ did he kill himself!" I screamed in her face, suddenly shaking her, anger possessing me when previously I had been almost devoid of all emotion. "Tell me West!" I shouted. She roughly yanked her shoulders away from me and then it was like everything finally hit me.

You really were dead. And I don't know why it took me that long to just fully realize it (because I had merely been _aware_ of it beforehand) but it did. And it was frightening.

Tears started to fill my eyes. "Why?" I wistfully whispered to her. "_Why_?" I stood there, pitifully burying my face in my hands like I'd seen you do so many times, and I cried. Just cried and cried and cried, unaware if Jade was still here. Eventually I sank down onto the gravel just to cry more. As I did so, I felt someone drop down beside me and I picked up my head, glasses foggy, face wet. Jade was still here, but still she said nothing.

"You weren't his only friend you know you selfish gan-"

"I killed him," she whispered, shutting her eyes tightly and letting out a deep breath.

"How could you, you fu- what? You...You w-what?" I stammered in disbelief.

"I knew what he was going through. I...I could have stopped...could have stopped..." Jade looked like she was remembering something, her eyes glazing over and her body shaking. She tried hard to suppress her tears, but it just wasn't possible. She was shattering. And then Jade broke down and I had to wonder if this was the first time she was ever speaking about what had really happened. God Beck...you made Jade West cry. You're really something awful.

"W-What...What do you mean?" I pushed as she sobbed, her powerful stature shaking pitifully. It was unnerving. I had never seen Jade West cry before. I awkwardly rubbed her back, trying to be comforting, even though she had just admitted that she could have stopped your death.

"H-His parents w-w-were...were alcoholics. C-couldn't p-pa...pay the bills. Everyday they t-t-t-told him how worthless h-he was...Then I-I left him...Shouldn't have been so difficult. Should have b-been there for him. I-I knew his parents h-hated him and h-his s-siblings to. K-kicked h-h-him out a lot...They...They d-didn't like what he was doing with his life," she cried, admitting your dark secrets, sobs racking her body violently. She seemed so small and so hopeless. She looked so human for once. Mortal. Like she was an everyday person and not the strange alien I had made her out to be before. I hugged her close, trying to process what she had just told me.

"It wasn't your fa-"

"It was...I-I-It was all my fault...all mine," she whispered, seemingly all energy zapped from her frail body. She looked fragile, breakable even. And as we sat in silence for an hour or so (I really had no concept of time), she began to compose herself and finally broke away from my grasp and stood up. She looked at me long and hard and I returned it. Then she walked away, but as she went, I spotted one of your red suspenders folded up, tied, and hanging out of her back pocket. I couldn't help but wonder how she had come to possess such an item.

We never talked about what had happened ever again.

You know she never fully healed. She dropped out of Hollywood Arts a month before graduation. I heard she never left her hometown and that something really awful had happened to her. I never found out what or why, but I knew that whatever it was happened because of you. Because maybe she claimed to have left you, but in reality, you left her you fucking son of a bitch.

She didn't deserve this. Neither of you did.

You know, after that day that she told me what had really gone on and why you had really done what you had done, I stopped blaming myself for what had happened and instead blamed your parents. But as time went on, I all together stopped blaming people and just came to have accepted your stupid, _stupid_ decision.

I never really understood why you had taken your life. Jade never really fully explained it. Just that you had been held back from living out your dreams and that you had been scorned. Your parents wanted you to stay home with them and earn money to pay the bills. To pay for their addiction. They didn't want to accept responsibility for the mess they had made and instead tried to make you clean it up.

I guess you just cracked from the pressure. Broke. Like a mirror splitting into a thousand little fragments, never to be put back together again.

But, whatever the reason, know this. I loved you Beck Oliver, like a brother. A role model. Someone that I could aspire to be. When you were with me, you changed me in ways I'll never forget. You gave me confidence, you gave me pride, you gave me some charisma. You even gave me the power to ditch Rex. You rubbed off on me.

So maybe that's why I'm doing this. Writing this all down, I mean. I owe it to you, I suppose. This is the tragic downfall of Beck Oliver, the kid that everyone thought was so transparent and so cool. I guess what you see is not what you get. Not really. You were a complex person that no one could truly figure out. Maybe after all this, maybe even if things had been different, you still would have died anyway. Because you were never meant to be understood. No, I don't think so. You were just there to appear popular and to give everyone around you the dreams you couldn't live out for yourself. You helped more people than you helped yourself.

So maybe there was no avoiding this. Perhaps it was bound to happen. Written in the stars as they say.

Either way, I want you to know I wish you were still here. You know, so that maybe Jade could have had a better life...And also, maybe because instead of people looking at the red suspenders hanging from my dark wash jeans as I walk down the halls of college, they could be looking at yours.

.

And as I gaze at the finished story in a saddened state, I can't help but think about Jade and what's happened to her._ I think I'll go find her._

* * *

_Author's Note: So next chapter he goes to find Jade, yay! Haha, hope you enjoyed! I've had this done a few weeks before TFJAB and Jade and Beck get back together, and even though I can see some improvement needs to be made, I just can't seem to think of how to make it better, and staring at it for another week or so isn't going to help!_

_Also, for anyone who is reading Raw Skin, I promise I haven't given up on it...I haven't been able to write, so I threw up this old story. It's already finished so it won't interfere or anything!_

**_NOTE: This isn't my usual style!_**

_So hope you liked and happy holidays! :)_


	2. Abandonment

_Just Keep On Keeping On: Abandonment_

I laugh to myself wryly and save the document I was working on before logging off. It seems pretty pathetic. A few pages could never sum up your life. They could never capture what had truly gone on. After all, they were just words, not memories or experiences or anything holding any sort of real value. Snorting, I get up from the chair I had confined myself to for the past few hours. I was no writer. This didn't do you any justice.

_Huh_.

I was referring to Beck as you, like he was still here and I was talking him. Like none of this had gone down. How stupid of me.

I casually walk over into the kitchen and grab my car keys before heading outside the door without a jacket or a scarf or anything. I didn't know what was possessing me, but I decided to go visit Jade one last time. After all, writing all of that has gotten me thinking about her and I only had one class today which just so happened to be in the very morning.

I jump into my beat up old car and put my keys in, igniting the engine. I spot my phone sitting on the passenger seat, cold and unused. Ever since Beck had stopped texting me, I really had no need for it. No one else really gave a shit about me besides my family and it's not like I had a girlfriend.

I smile to myself. Beck always told me that the day I got a girlfriend was when the day when he would throw a huge party and invite everyone he knew and even people he didn't. So I always looked forward to the day when a girl would hug me and exclaim yes and then we could go to that party of Beck's hand in hand. But getting a girlfriend...it's just not the same without the promise of that rager.

I reach over and grab my phone and flip through the contacts, looking for Jade's. When I finally see it, I realize that there's no way her number has stayed the same. Mine hasn't. There's a chance she doesn't even have a phone anymore. Sure enough, when I call it, some random robot informs me that this number has been disconnected. I toss my phone back over onto the seat and it bounces and falls onto the floor. It didn't matter though and I hit the gas, starting the car ride to Jade's house (at least the one she had lived in while we were in high school) which would ultimately take a few hours with no guarantee that I'd be home before midnight.

I blast my 80s music the whole time and surprisingly enough, the time flies by in a blur of Duran Duran and Aerosmith lyrics. Soon enough I'm back near Hollywood Arts, scouring the neighborhood for Jade's house. Finally I do get there and I pull over and hop out of the car, keys still dangling in the ignition just in case something weird happened and I needed to make a quick getaway (I was always overly cautious all right?).

I go up to the door and ring the doorbell and wait patiently until the door swings open and Jade's mom is standing there She looks tired and bedraggled, like she hasn't slept in quite a while. She has huge bags under her eyes, plaguing her once fair skinned complexion. She has more wrinkles than I remember and she has this sorrow about it her that I just can't place. As I peer past her and into the dark house, I realize that this whole place has a feeling of disappointment and grief.

"Oh...Oh my, Robbie!" she greets me, happiness lighting up in her eyes. Something that seemed so out of place in such a gloomy place. She grabs me into a tight hug and I don't object even though I was never all that close friends with Jade and had only seen her mother a few times. Still, the welcome was warm and it made me feel happy inside, if only for a second. "What are you doing back here?...Are...Are you here...here for J-Jade?" she asks, the joy dissipating from her stature.

"Is she here?" I question, confused at the way she asked me if I was here for her daughter.

"Yes...For the time being. You caught her at a good time. She was just about to leave," her mother answers gravely and moves to the side so that I'm able to scurry into the house. As I pass the threshold, I'm met with a cold front. There's no heat. Or if it is, then it's not on.

"Oh...Does she have another house?"

"I...I'm not sure...Maybe...Maybe you can ask her?" her mother responds hopefully, looking up at me as if I'm the last thing she has to believe in. I look at her mother pityingly before nodding my head in conformation.

"Of course."

"She's upstairs."

I take that cue and swiftly go up the stairs and down the hall. I turn to look at the second room on the left, surprising myself that I still remember her home even though it's been so long. I anxiously knock on the wooden door and shift from foot to foot, not knowing what to expect. Whatever had happened must not have been good from what her mother has already said to me.

"Go away mom!" comes the harsh shout of Jade. A part of me relaxes that she still has an edge to her and maybe there's still a part of her left even though I've been told she's all gone, never to return.

"It's not your mom," I chuckle softly and within a few seconds the door is flung wide open and I'm greeted with the pale outline of Jade. She's in clothes that are two sizes to big and my eyes are immediately drawn to her jutting collarbones and her exposed stomach that plainly shows her ribs. She looks skinny and sick and I feel as though if I blow on her she'll fall over. Her ears are pierced, as well as her belly button and when her mouth falls open in astonishment that I, of all people, am here, I see the piercing on her tongue. Not only that but there's horribly drawn tattoos covering her body. She no longer has black hair either. No, it's brown, the normal color, but stringy and dry looking. To top it all off, she smells _horrific_.

"Robbie?" Her voice is hoarse and raspy and sounds just so down right horrible that it makes me flinch. "What...How...Why are you here?" she snaps, just staring at me with those ice blue eyes that could intimidate a pro wrestler ten times her size. I swallow and glance down at my worn out old sneakers for a moment, composing myself.

"Is that anyway to treat your long lost high school pal?" I joke lightly although I'm in no mood for jokes and by the looks of it, neither is she. I give her a half hearted smile and a shrug.

"I- Steven! Stop it!" she cuts herself off, randomly howling at a little boy who has suddenly appeared at her waist, pulling on her shirt and looking up at her expectantly, a small pout forming on his extremely tanned face. He has big brown eyes with messy dark hair and seems to be around the age of four or five perhaps? Maybe even six?

The toddler immediately stops and guiltily fiddles with his fingers. Jade is quick to berate him. "Stop playing with your fingers and get back in the room and pick out what you want to bring," she hisses through clenched teeth. The toddler, or _Steven_, quickly and fearfully waddles away back into the darkness of the room.

"Who's the little guy?" I ask stiffly, unsure if I was overstepping my boundaries since for as long as I had known Jade she never liked to talk about her personal life. No, the only thing she actually enjoyed was making fun of other's pain and misfortune. Jade tugs at her flaky hair and puffs some air.

"Steven," she finally answers.

"Oh. Is he a relative?"

"No."

"Oh...Just a random kid then that you pulled off the side of the street?" I attempt and she gives a dry laugh, shaking her head at me and flashing her slightly yellowed teeth.

"I guess he really does look nothing like me then, huh?" she scoffs and as she frowns she shakes back and forth a little and looks so out of it and unbalanced. So un-Jade-like it scares me more than when she's being herself as if that's not bad enough.

"So he's your brother than?" Weren't her parents a little to old to be having another child? I look at her uncertainly and find the same expression staring me in the face like she's not sure what to tell me.

"No...He's mine," she admits quietly and I mask my surprise by turning away awkwardly until I can force down all the questions racing through my head. Then I peer over her shoulder at the little boy sitting on the bed, innocently kicking his feet out and quietly making helicopter noises as he plays with a beat up plane.

"He looks a little like you," I try which earns a glare from her to which I promptly shrug. She then slides over to the boy and takes the plane out of his hands and he looks like he's about to cry, but only gazes up at her sadly, his lips still puffed out, ready to make more helicopter noises. He doesn't reach for the plane, doesn't even try to do anything to get the toy back. He seems so mature for his age and it makes me wonder what exactly he has been through to make him into what he is.

"Steven, you need to be _packing_," she scolds, tossing the plane into a ripped up knapsack.

"I sorry," he apologizes and Jade snorts.

"I _am_ sorry, Steven. I _am_," she corrects him coldly.

"I am sorry Jade," he pitifully offers and Jade sighs in response but waves him off to go collect whatever other things he may need.

"Just don't do it again." And with that the toddler makes his way out of the room, passing me and giving me a half hearted smile that was filled with such remorse it makes my heart ache a little. She sits on the bed and massages her temples with her fingers.

"He calls you Jade?" I ask, going over to her and sitting next to her on the bed. Normally I would never be so ballsy, but things had changed and we weren't in high school anymore. We had to grow up once Beck left.

"It's better that way."

"What are you talking about? You are his mom, aren't you? Unless...unless you were lying to me?"

"No, I wasn't," she barks. "It's not my fault he looks so much like his father, not that I would even know what the hell his father looked like considering I can't even remember," she sneers, still massaging her temples.

"What do you mean you don't know what he looks like? How can you not remember the man who is the father to your son?" I say, baffled and getting angry. It sounds like she doesn't even care about this son of hers.

"He's no father and it's not my fault. I had a few jobs booked that day," she defends herself.

"Two jobs, what the fuck are y-" I cut myself off there. "Jade...are you...are you a prostitute?" I quickly ask, astonished. She picks her head up and glares at me and I know the answer without her having to say it. "Why? Why would you...You had so much talent and yo-"

"Oh shut it Shapiro. I've had enough people say shit like that to me. I don't need your stupid comments as well. You just don't know what it's like. Naive, perfect, sheltered Robbie has no idea what my life is like," she lashes out, mocking me.

I angrily stammer to find the right words. "I-I...Okay, maybe I don't! But what I do know is you literally just dropped off the face of the earth and now you have a son that doesn't even consider you his mom and that's so painfully miserable that I've only known him for two minutes and can already tell he hates his fucking life! Not only that but you're throwing away your life to prostitution and by the looks and smell of it you're a druggie as well! All with a child!" I scream at her, towering over her and for once in my life I feel like I have more power than her and she can do nothing to stop me. To make me scared of her again.

"That's not true," she blatantly lies.

I just look at her in amazement. "You're so screwed up...Ever since Beck died y-"

"Don't say that," she demands, but I plow on, ignoring her.

"You've been acting like a moron and throwing your life away. Beck is in the past! Get over it!" I wince as I yell at her, painful memories of you replaying themselves in my head. "There's nothing you can do that will bring him back so stop fucking blaming yourself and pull your head out of your ass so th-"

"Get out!" she screams at me, jumping to her feet and pointing to the door.

"No!" I shout back with more volume and more force, also rising.

"Now!" she growls, but I remain strong.

"No! Not until you realize how fucking stupid you're being! It's time to move on and get over him! Stop blaming yourself, Jade! Stop it! If you need to, go get some fucking professional help because you're not only looking after yourself anymore, you're looking after a little kid! Stop being a wuss Jade and take care of someone besides yourself for once and which, by the way, judging from how you look, you haven't been doing a very good job lately!" I hardly knew what I was saying anymore. Just angrily, _madly_, spewing words, hoping that something would hit home. I couldn't tell where my surge of anger had come from, but I knew for some reason I had to defend the little boy whose mother didn't seem to give a shit about him. Steven's story seemed oddly familiar, like he was living Beck's life, just with different people.

"You have no idea what it's like to try and raise money for a brat who is hardly thankful and when I come home, all stressed out, the last thing I need to see is Steven who looks so much like _him_!" she tries to counter.

"You said you don't even remember what the father looks like!"

"Not him you bastard! Beck! Everyday I come home to see Steven who looks so much like Beck! Do you know what that's like? No, of course you don't! You don't know what the hell you're talking about so I suggest you mind your own business Shapiro, or you'll get what's coming to you!" she threatens, stepping closer to me until she's right next to me, glaring up at me and trying to get me to back down.

"That's no excuse," I say, voice low and powerful, "and you know that."

"Then why don't _you_ try living with him! See how it is when you're the one coming home to him every night and just remembering every single time you see his fucking face that Beck is gone! That you killed Be-" she abruptly cuts off as she admits to what I have been accusing her of. If possible, her eyebrows slant even further and she crosses her arms across her chest and looks to the side defiantly.

"I would be just fine," I growl back. "Unlike you who can't seem to get a hold of her life long enough to see that she's ruining an innocent child's life!"

"I'm not ruining anyone's life," she spits back icily.

"Steven doesn't even call you _mom_!"

"Fine. You think you could do better?"

"Uh, I know I can do a shit ton better than you," I shoot back as she walks towards a packed suitcase lying on the ground. She zips it up and pulls it to the doorway. I expect her to just leave without another word, but instead she pauses.

"Then you take him!" she shouts. Then she holds up her middle fingers and mouthes the words 'fuck you' to me and takes off, throwing a random glare at who I can only assume is her mother or Steven as she stomps out of the house, her footsteps sounding more like thunder than actual steps. The door opens and then a loud bang is heard and I flinch.

Shit.

* * *

_Author's Note: Bet ya' didn't see that one comin' ;) Anyway, short chapter is short, but I couldn't find an appropriate place to break it off without another huge chapter! 'Cause it's all, like, written out on one really really big document because I wasn't originally planning on putting this on FanFiction! In fact, I forgot I had to upload a chapter today! Almost didn't! To bad I missed my usual upload time :(_

_Anyway, hope ya' liked. If you did, drop a review, and if you didn't, drop some constructive criticism? :)_

_Hope you all enjoyed! :)_


	3. Steven

_Just Keep On Keeping On: Steven_

Fuck.

She can't be serious. I nervously look around the room hoping that by some miracle she'll jump in through the window and yell that she got me good and all the cameras were taping and I'm going to be on television, but she doesn't and I have to wonder if what's happening is, in all reality, happening. I stumble backwards a bit, feeling dizzy like I haven't eaten and fall back onto her bed. It smells gruesome though so I jump back to my feet and slowly make my way out to the hallway. Steven is there to greet me.

"Where Jade go?" he pouts, eyes big and sad, brimming with tears. He's biting his lip as if to keep from crying and he gently tugs at the material of my jeans. Even if I don't answer him, I'm sure he has a good concept of what's going on anyway; he just wishes his suspicions were wrong. "And why all the screaming?"

I think about my options for a second before I tenderly pat his hair. "I'm not sure, Steven...I'm not sure." I meekly take his small hand in my own and lead him down the stairs, not exactly positive of what to do any more or what was even going on. When we reach the first floor I immediately regret bringing the small boy downstairs.

Jade's mother is sitting at the table, crying, her head resting in her folded arms. I feel like I shouldn't be here, intruding on her moment, but I can't just leave. Not without asking her what to do about Steven. I bend down so that I'm level with Steven and whisper in his ear.

"You should go collect your toys just in case Mommy comes back."

"You mean Jade?" he wonders aloud and I nod my head.

"Yes, Jade." He understands and takes off into another room, but I hear a loud thud and I know something must have fell. But before I can go over there I hear a scrambling or something like a rattling and I assume Steven had grabbed whatever it was that made the sound, so I take the opportunity to go over to Jade's mom and shyly say her name.

"Hm? W-what? Oh no...I'm s-s-sorry...You're s-still here?" she fires off questions, lifting her head up, and I nod my head awkwardly, pursing my lips. She looks so broken, almost a mirror image of Jade. Almost a mirror image of how Beck used to look.

"Yeah, I'm still here," I say quietly and she attempts a smile, but the corners of her lips quaver and I know she's fighting the urge to break down into sobs again.

"I'm sorry Jade had to leave like that...Y-You...You don't have a-any idea of where she might be going, d-d-do you?" she asks with such hope and I almost consider lying and telling her that I do know where Jade went and that she will be coming back, but fibbing has never been my forte and instead I just dolefully shake my head no. She bits her bottom lip hard and I spot little drops of blood forming. We're silent for a couple of seconds before I pull up a chair and sit next to her. She seems to appreciate it because she lays her hand over my own.

"I'm sorry f-f-for her behavior," the woman apologizes.

"No, no. Don't apologize for Jade's idiocy," I fiercely warn her. Jade's mother laughs, but it's short lived and dejected.

"She just doesn't know what she's doing...Do...Do you k-know when she's coming back, perhaps?"

"No...I...We never got a chance to talk about it...But she...She left and wants me to ta-"

"Take Steven. I know. I overheard the...disagreement," she dismally relays. "Listen, Robbie. You tried so hard to make her realize she's wrong and I just...It's...She's...You don't have to take Steven," she admits and then looks towards a large stack of paper sitting on her table. I take the chance to glance around the sorrowful house. It's a disaster with things broken and carpet torn up. It never used to be like this. Something had happened and now Jade's mother must have had no money left, at least from the shabby appearance of the house.

I tensely reach towards the papers and when she doesn't object even though her eyes fill with anguish, I pull the papers closer to me. I flip through them to find it's bill upon bill upon notice upon bill. No wonder there was no heat in this house. She couldn't afford it.

"I'll take Steven," I decide in a spur of the moment decision, hardly considering Steven's or Jade's feelings and just taken by pity for this old woman who, by the looks of it, has tried so hard to support her family. And I don't know why I do it, but I do, because maybe this fractured family kind of reminds me of Beck and I feel like I could change this little boy's fate. I could save him like I wasn't able to save Beck. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

"Robbie, really you don't hav-"

"I know, but I want to." She takes a long, lingering look at me before squeezing my hand tearfully.

"God bless you Robbie Shapiro...God bless you." I smile at her, a smile without any joy but a smile nonetheless. Then I withdraw my hand from under hers and take out my wallet which was residing in my back pocket. I open it up and take out all of the money I had in it and place it in front of her. She gasps, her hand flying to her mouth, but I quickly speak before she has the chance to shove the money back at me.

"Take it. It's not much, but hopefully it will help."

"Robbie, I really don't need it...I-"

"It's fine. Just take it as my apology for making Jade so angry that she just got up and left without Steven," I justify and she looks like she's about to argue but I put my hand on my arm and nod toward the money. "Please, just take it." And she does. Then I get up and head upstairs to find Steven sitting on the bed, the worn knapsack resting beside him.

"Are you all packed?" I say with forced cheeriness.

"Yep! Does that mean Jade back?" he responds wistfully which sends a stab of pain into my heart. However, I keep up with my 'happy act' and grin at him.

"No, but we're going to go on a trip," I promise him and he seems enticed by my offer even though I have only known him for about half an hour. He wiggles off the bed and drags his bag with him, but when he's halfway across the room he pauses and stares at me.

"Jade said never go no where with strangers," he cautiously states.

"I've known your mother, er, _Jade_, for a long time. Her and I went to school together," I offer as if that's as good as a reason to trust me as any. He eyes me for a while and then says something under his breath before speaking up.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then what Jade last name? And not her fake one she use," he spits, thinking himself oh so clever. And for a second, it brings a twinkling to my eye because he reminded me so much of the old Jade.

"West...She has a fake name?"

"Yeah. She don't want some bad people to know her real last name so she goes by fake one. _Hinderliter_," he says with disgust, wrinkling up his nose. "Jade and Steven _Hinderliter_. I much more like Steven and Jade West," he tells me and I can't help but let a small grin light up my face, although his words ring in my head long after he says them. So there's some _bad people _after Jade, is there?

"I like Steven and Jade West too," I agree. "Now let's get going or do I still have to prove to you I'm no stranger?" I question with an undertone of grievance. He thinks for a moment and then shakes his head.

"No. You good." Then he leads the way out of the room and goes downstairs like he completely forgot about Jade leaving and I follow him, wondering if he was being strong or if he just didn't understand what was going on. I open the door for him and he barrels out and hops down the steps.

"Bye Ms. West," I call over my shoulder and then pause, debating whether or not to say anything else. She gives me a saddened smile and a wave and I decide to just leave, pulling the door close on my way out before pointing to my broken down car. "That one!" I call to Steven and he eagerly races to it and hops in the back. I follow him and get in the front seat and then turn the car on. I snatch my phone up from the passenger side and open a draft and type in Ms. West's address. I plan on sending her a check to help pay for heating. After I finish I toss my phone back over to where it was.

"Okay, are you ready bud?" I lean back and see him buckled up.

"Yep!" He flashes me two thumbs up with a broad grin. I can't help but find him adorable and wonder how Jade can distance herself from such a sweet kid.

"Wait, you're supposed to have a car seat, aren't you?" I remember. Kids under age ten or under eighty pounds or something like that aren't allowed to sit in the car without a car seat. Or did that only apply to sitting in the front? I wasn't sure. In fact, maybe he was to old for a car seat. I curse my foggy memory.

"What a...car seat?" he asks, baffled.

"You've never been in a car seat?"

"Nope! What that?"

"Uh...Never mind," I dismiss it. Of course, leave it up to Jade to go to all lengths to protect her child and follow the law. This is just the sort of thing she would do. I begin to get riled up and can't help but think if this is what happened to Beck when he was dating her.

"So where we goin'?" he changes the topic.

"Uh, I'm not sure," I shrug, tapping a small beat out with my fingers against my leg nervously.

"Oh...When Jade comin' back?" he jumps topics again, ever the short attention span of a child.

"What do you mean?" I ask, hoping to buy time to think of an appropriate answer. What am I supposed to tell the kid? Never? Your mother is never coming back?

"Jade always come back. Always smells bad, but always come back. This time no different, yeah?" he pesters and I let out a big sigh. I still was not sure how to respond to his question. I didn't want to give him false hope, but at the same time I didn't want to disappoint him. Ha, I'm so sensitive sometimes it's almost unbearable. No wonder Rex made fun of me for all those years.

"What are you saying Jade always smells bad?" I press, even though I'm well aware of the reason why. One look at her gaunt figure and I knew. I wasn't as oblivious as I was in high school anymore, and apparently neither was Jade.

"Peoples tell me it's drugs. Alco...Aloca...Beer," Steven replies sourly, sticking out his tongue and scrunching up his nose while crossing his tiny arms over his chest. He kicks his feet out and hits the back of my chair a few times, although when he sees me wince when his foot makes contact with the seat particularly hard, he immediately stops and looks at me with an apologetic face like he did something very, very wrong.

"Does she do it very often?"

"Sometimes she do it, sometimes she don't do it."

"Oh."

A silence is cast over the car and I turn away and hit the gas. I decide to go back up to my college because by the time I got back, it would be late. I could find Jade another day. At least hopefully, seeing as though she goes by a fake last name now. Hinderliter. Jade Hinderliter. I have to agree with Steven; it sounds ugly.

My thoughts are interrupted by a little voice coming from the back seat. I'm barely able to make out what Steven is saying.

"She scares me when she's like that...she's scares me a lot," he mutters darkly.

_Yeah? She scares me too._

_._

In a couple of hours, we're back at the college campus and Steven is sleeping soundly in the back, his head resting against my jacket that I balled up for him and allowed him to use as a pillow. He looks cute, I grin to myself as I put the car in park and cast a look over at him. I reach a hand out to shake him awake, but he looks content and I don't want to wake him up and have to explain just yet that we're hours away from his mother and most likely he won't see her for a while. The longer he doesn't know the better.

I swing the door open and step out, taking a moment to stretch in the darkness. It's night now and a little past midnight. I shiver as a chilling wind blows past and I know I need to hurry up. I throw open the door and unbuckle Steven carefully, trying hard not to wake him up, then pick him up bridal style because I'm not exactly sure how to carry a kid, let alone a sleeping one (no one would ever previously let me near one). I track to my apartment and then fumble around until I'm able to open it with one hand while still supporting the weight of Steven who was growing increasingly heavier.

Finally I'm able to get in and I make my way towards my bed in complete darkness based on memory and memory only. I place Steven down gently on my bed and take the blanket I keep at the foot of it and drape it over him. He's still sleeping soundly; I suppose he got that from his mother.

I look over at the other bed which was only a few feet from mine. My roommate sleeps there. Or, at least, if he's ever here. I haven't seen him around lately which doesn't surprise me. I'm not sure why he never came back, he just never did, which was fine with me. Still, it was odd and I found myself wishing when I was bored that I knew more about him. Sadly, I only knew his name. Ethan.

I decided to climb into his bed, without changing into my pajamas, trying to ignore the weird sensation that was crawling up my spine from the realization that anything could have happened in this bed. Someone could have been killed in here and I might very well be dozing off in their blood. I close my eyes tightly, trying to think about happy rainbows and pretty unicorns, or at least anything but the events that might have taken place in this very bed. But my mind is soon taken by different thoughts. Like Steven.

What am I supposed to do with a child? _Jade's child_? I wasn't a father and I certainly wasn't his. But I couldn't just let him stay at Jade's mother house...could I? Because now I'm left with a toddler, in college, with almost no way to deal with him.

My troubles soon dissipate as I find myself growing sleepier and sleepier...

* * *

_Author's Note: Hey guys, sorry for the (very) late update. There was/is some major things going on...But anyway, here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoyed!_


	4. New Shoes, New Toys, New Stories

_Just Keep On Keeping On: New Shoes, New Toys, New Stories_

"Oh chiz! No, don't leave me with the panda! I can't-" My eyes flutter open and I'm met with a small boy's face just inches away from my own. He's sitting on my chest and I find myself struggling to breathe. "Steven! I was sleeping!" I growl at him and am quick to regret it when Steven shies away from me, almost cowering, mumbling a crap ton of apologies. I extend a hand towards him to pull back towards me, but he flinches and rolls backwards a way. "Hey, come on now, I'm sorry buddy," I sincerely apologize. "I didn't mean it, okay?"

Steven nods his head as if he understands. "Come on back over here?" I ask, moving over and patting the bed besides me. He surges forward happily and even crawls into the covers beside me. I blush and scoot over a little, suddenly very uncomfortable seeing as though I've only known the boy for the past twelve hours or so. Steven follows me and moves closer, chortling to himself. Evil thing.

"Where are we?" he asks out of the blue, looking up at me expectantly.

"Um, my apartment. In college, er, school," I reply, ever the smooth talker. He soaks in the new information, confusion apparent on his face.

"School? We came to school? Jade used to go school. Is this school hers?" he genuinely wonders.

"No, this school is mine," I correct him which seems to upset him because he's soon pouting, eyes filling up with tears like he's about to cry. But once again, much to my amazement, he doesn't. Just stares straight ahead.

"When we go back see Jade?" he questions. Oh great. Here we go.

"Um...Well...She's on vacation for a little bit..." That was the best I could do. I mentally kick myself for such a generic, stupid response.

"Oh. Are you sure?" he asks and by the way his face is drooping I can tell he knows I'm lying, even if he doesn't call me out on it.

"Yeah, she'll be back in a few days. In the meantime she wanted you to stay with me so we can have so much fun! We can get ice cream-"

"Jade says ice cweam rots your teeth," he interrupts and I know no matter how much I try to convince him that ice cream is good, or anything for that reason, if Jade says it's bad he will never disobey her seeing his interactions with Jade and the fright etched into his face when she's around. She must have either done something really good or really bad to get such a young child to obey her without hesitation, and seeing as though Jade wasn't a good mother I suspect the latter.

"Hey, why do you call your mom Jade?" I change the topic easily.

"Jade says I'm not allowed to call her mommy," he gloomily informs me, casting his eyes to the side, clearly upset.

"Why's that?"

"I dunno know, but sometimes I hear her talkin' to peoples and she says stuff like I'm not s'pposed to be hers and I'm not s'pposed to be here and this was all mistake," he tells me strongly, no hint of quivering in his voice or sorrow apparent in his stature any longer. He just appears cold, empty, and hollow, like all the life was sucked out of him. Knowing Jade, I wouldn't be to shocked if she actually was a demon and stole the poor child's soul right from his body.

"Well I'm sure she doesn't mean it. She's probably talking about someone else," I try to console him even though he doesn't seem to be needing anyone to cheer him up or sympathize with him. Although, I figure he's just putting up a cold front just as was Jade's specialty. I see the family resemblance here, granted I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

"She's not," he says quietly, looking down at the sheets. I pretend I don't hear him and swiftly hop out of bed. He doesn't seem surprised by my sudden movement and doesn't even look up from the sheets, almost like he expected me to leave at some point. In an effort to bring back some of the happiness I had before Steven told me about his life, I head off to the kitchen, ready to make some breakfast.

"Is there anything you want for breakfast?" I call loudly and Steven responds that whatever is fine and he doesn't have a favorite. I could have predicated that. "You know Steven it's okay if you want something. You can say it. I asked anyway, didn't I? You don't have to obey Jade's ridiculous rules. She's not even here," I scoff which finally spurs him to answer that he would like some french toast. Hard, but doable. After all, I was pretty good at cooking if I do say so myself.

Soon after he waddles into the kitchen and takes a seat at the table, rubbing at his eyes.

"So you packed your clothes to change into, right?" I double check and he gives me a blank look. "What? You don't have clothes?" I joke and he shakes his head very seriously.

"They all gone."

"They're all gone?" I snort, doing that sideways smirk thing I'm told I do quite often when I don't quite grasp something or think something is silly. I like to call it my signature smile and one day maybe I'll send a picture of me doing the side smirk into a modeling agency. I'm sure they'd like that.

"Yes. Jade cut them up with scissys," he shrugs helplessly.

"Why'd she do that?" I push even though I know in my gut that whatever his answer is I will not like it.

"She came home one day smellin' funny and she gotted mad at me 'cause I used uncorrect grammar," he admits bashfully, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I just said oh and continued cooking until Steven piped up again. "You know, she not all bad."

"Is that so?"I respond conversationally.

"Yeah. She can be so nice like when she sayed to me I look like Beck Olibur and that I'm so handsome," Steven confides and even puffs his chest out a little to appear more...manly? Buff? "Robbie, who Beck? She always talk so much 'bout him and I don't even know who he is," Steven tells me.

"Beck? Well Beck was a very talented, very smart, very nice and even brave boy she loved very much who looked a lot like you," I inform him, sure that this bit of information won't hurt to tell him, although I wasn't sure how into depth I wanted to go into Beck's and his mother's relationship.

"Is Beck my dadda?" he asks giddily, excited at the prospect of having a father like the man described.

"No...He's not," I say reluctantly.

"Why not?"

"He...He died a very long time ago...Your mother misses him very much. And I do to. Beck and I went to the same high school as your mother, did you know that?"

"Nope, I didn't!" he announces almost proudly. I chuckle at his childishness. When he wasn't in that dreary, old house he seemed almost like a normal kid. Almost like his mother wasn't the queen of everything sinister and cruel.

"We had some good times," I recall fondly, flipping the bread in my pan over.

"What else was Beck like?" Steven questions, now sitting on his knees and leaning forward as if that would help him to hear better.

"Beck was...Beck was like everyone's favorite older brother. He was popular, he was kind, he was complex. All the guys wanted to be friends with him and all the girls wanted to go out with him. He was, essentially, perfect, despite being from Canada," I relay and this seems to please Steven who sits back down on his butt.

"I think I like Beck," Steven openly declares, eyes shining and a broad smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

.

The days pass quickly as I juggle between my college courses, my job, and spending time with Steven. Lucky for me, the kid knows how to take care of himself when I'm not around. He tells me it's because he was left alone a lot to fend for himself. Apparently Jade was prone to just up and leaving for the day and he informs me that she's been gone for four days before.

Jade.

I need to find her. I can't keep Steven here. I have enough on my plate as it is and I don't exactly need a kid to burden me and plus, when I walk around the campus with him, I think people think he's my son and that for certain is something I don't need. Ugh. Stupid Jade leaving me with her kid that looks like a tiny replica of _Beck_.

I find she is right. Coming home after a particularly stressful class or a harsh day from work and seeing his face is tough. It wears on me. You know, I haven't made many friends since I've come to college. No, I'm considered weird here. Not normal. When I sit in class, I've had some people throw papers at me and I feel like I'm back in high school. Each paper ball that hits me painfully reminds me I really have no friends. Not anyone like Beck at least and no one to vent my anger to. Needless to say, seeing Steven is like a slap to the face, taunting me that Beck will never come back even though this kid resembles him so much.

I need to find Jade. Sadly, it's going to be hard to find someone who doesn't want to be found and even goes by a fake name.

"Vroom, vroom, vroom!" Steven hollers, jolting me out of my thoughts, running around the apartment with his battered old plane held high above his head and some new pairs of clothes on that I took him to buy the other day. After all, he can't just sit in his dirty clothes all the time, that's disgusting. He makes a quick turn and comes towards me. "Mayday, mayday! A Robbie is in the way!" he shouts and then runs at me as fast as he can, but I'm quick to sweep him off his feet and twirl, holding him high in the air as I do so before setting him back down. He giggles uncontrollably and I can't help but smile at how much he's come out of his shell since I first met him.

"Yay! The plane didn't crash!" he cheers, jumping up and down for joy.

"Yeah, but it should have," I faintly remark, mostly to myself, but he overhears and frowns at me, his bouncing ceasing.

"What do you mean?"

"Just that...uh...Your plane...It's...You need some new toys," I finally stammer because it's true. His toys were so worn out and so damn old. No kid should have to play with them and they looked like they were going to snap at any second. "You know what? Why don't we go right now?" I throw out there since I wasn't doing anything and had nothing planned for the majority of the day.

"Really?" he squeals and when I nod he lunges forward and grabs my legs in a tight hug. I pat his head and then lightly push him off of me.

"Let's go right now," I tell him, heading towards the front door and grabbing my keys off of a knob near the door. I toss the door open and track towards my car, Steven not far behind. I jump in the front seat and he hops in the back, fully aware that if he even thought about sitting in the front I would refuse to take him anywhere until he moved. After all, safety first. I would much rather have an alive Steven than a dead one.

I ignite the car and pull out of the parking lot, on the way to a Toys R Us that was close by. The whole time Steven and I make small talk, discussing what new types of toys he would like, although conveniently avoiding the topic of prices. I was a little worried because I had already spent a bunch of money on his clothes and rent was coming up soon as well as tuition for next semester, but toys can't cost that much.

I pulled into the Toys R Us parking lot and jogged after Steven as he pulled my hand to get me to move faster. When we entered the store and he dashed over to a toy sitting on the shelf, I realized just how wrong I was about prices. Toys were expensive. Really expensive, which I found absolutely ridiculous considering they were just hunks of stupid plastic.

Steven grabbed the toy he was admiring, but tentatively put it back when he saw the displeasure I was failing to mask. He quickly strode over to the area that contained small action figures and picked a simple one out. "Cans I have this one?" he asks, holding it up for me to see and I want to say yes and be done with it, but staring at his expression filled with such grief and such misery, I broke down against my better judgement. I was a sap. I was by no means a man.

"Steven...you don't have to pick out the cheapest one...Go head, grab the toys you really want and I'll buy as many of them as I can," I assure the toddler who looks up at me with apprehension.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure," I give him permission and just like that we're off again and he picks out six or so toys. I buy them all for him which totals a hundred or so bucks. Why. Why am I such a pushover? However, he's happy, so I soon forget the cost of the toys and when we're home, I sit down and play with him until it's dinner time. Then I have to leave for my job as a bartender and tell him to be on his best behavior and not to tear the apartment up while I'm gone. He already knows the rules about what to do if Ethan randomly shows up (since I can never be sure when he might come back, but somehow, mysteriously, his rent is always paid) so I don't bother repeating them.

I drive off to my job and spend a couple of boring hours there, filling cups with alcohol for the mindless idiots that are drinking themselves to death and cleaning the cups with a rag that I usually keep on my shoulder. I hate this job. It's awful to watch sober people taking advantage of the drunk people and watching idiots get into a fight over something stupid. But I never step out from behind the bar. This table is the only thing that keeps me from the riffraff and wilderness of the club beyond. Mostly I keep quiet, even when my fellow workers talk to me. I only do this for the money and the tips. If I could get another job, I would.

Slowly, the hours drag on, but finally at around 11:00 or so I'm able to take off and go back home. I expect Steven to be sleeping (he always puts himself to bed when it's 8:30 even when I try to convince him to stay up later) so when I enter the house I do so silently, maneuvering around it in the dark. However, when I go into the bedroom, I hear sobbing. I scramble over to the light switch and flip it on to see Steven sitting on the bed, clutching his old toys so tightly that his hands are turning white. When he sees me he immediately bites his lip and rubs at his eyes.

"Steven..."

"I...I sorry," he's quick to apologize and looks down at the ground. "I won't cry no more, I sorry," he repeats before I rush over to him and sit down beside him, pulling him into a tight hug. He sniffles and twists my shirt in his small fists.

"Buddy, what's wrong? What happened?...Ethan didn't come back did he!" I exclaim in alarm, looking around the room for any sort of evidence. But I find nothing out of the ordinary except his new toys strewn across the floor.

"I...I miss...I miss mom- Jade," he cries into my chest. I felt a pang of distress for Steven, but really, this was only to be expected. The kid could only go for so long without his mother. Really it had only been a matter of time before he realized that Jade wasn't coming back for a long, long time unless I could find her.

"I know, I know," I sympathize, rubbing his back comfortingly as he continues to hiccup and cry.

"When is s-s-she coming b-back? I w-want her h-here," he begs me, gasping for breath. This is it. It was time I told him the truth. There was no putting it off any longer.

"I don't...Jade...She's...I don't think she's coming back for a long while," I say softly which only causes him to cry harder.

"W...W-Why?" he bellows, twisting my shirt more.

"Well she has some...issues to deal with," I try to console him but feel him shaking his head.

"N-No...Why...Why doesn't she l-l-like me?" he pleads with me and my next words hitch in my throat and I feel my mouth going dry. I'm not sure how to answer his question. I'm not even sure I know the answer, but I reply anyway with more lies. I feel horrible. All he wants is answers. All he needs is the truth.

"She likes you Steven...She's just having to figure out something complicated right now and she thought it would be best if you didn't know," I try, but my words falter and he knows. He knows I'm lying. He knows that his mother doesn't want him. That's why she took off without him, leaving him someone he barely knew. Hell, she didn't even know _me_ that well.

We stay in this position for a time while Steven huffs and hiccups and tries to regain control of himself until eventually he speaks up.

"Robbie...?" he whispers.

Silence. Then, "Yeah?"

"What...What are mommies 'ppose to be like?"

"I...Don't worry about that right now."

"Jade's...not a normal mommy, is she?"

Another silence.

"No."

"What 'bout...What 'bout daddies? What are they like?"

"Daddies?...I...Well, they're brave men who would do anything for the ones they love. They protect their family and they're smart and nice and strong. They hug their kids when they have nightmares and get rid of all the monsters and bad guys," I describe to him, using the generic descriptions every good kindergarten teacher would say.

"Like Beck?"

"Yeah. Like Beck."

Steven twiddles with his thumbs, finally calming down and eventually he yawns then crawls off my lap and burrows under the covers of his bed. "Robbie will you make the munsters and bad guys go 'way?" he asks and I can't help but smile at the adorable way he says 'monsters'. He pulls his covers up to his chin and looks at me imploringly.

"Of course," I promise and bounce to my feet. I walk to the middle of the room before screaming out my threat to anyone who tries to break into the apartment. "Argh! I will get you, you good for nothing bad guys!" This gets Steven to chuckle and I flash a smile at him before going over to my dresser and searching for my pajamas so that I could go to bed as well.

"Robbie?"

"Hm?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, bud. No problem at all."

* * *

_Author's Note: You know maybe I should change the characters because it's more Robbie and Jade now...Anyway, hope you enjoyed and if you did drop a review? If you didn't then feel free to tell me why!_

_On an off hand note, did anyone see that video that was added to on Valentine's Day? 'Cause I mean oh hot DAMN that boy was smokin'._

_Any who, hope you enjoyed! :)_


	5. Phone Calls and Ice Cream

_Just Keep On Keeping On: Phone Calls and Ice Cream_

As much as I don't want to do this, it's time to start making phone calls. Phone calls to the gang I've been so out of touch with since my first year in college. I don't know where they are, or what they've been doing, and I can only hope to God that their numbers remained the same. So, as Steven is sleeping, I go outside, grab my phone from my car and flip through my contacts until I come to Caterina Valentine.

Oh Cat.

She broke my heart in high school and I really didn't feel like talking to her, but her and Jade were so close, maybe she knows where Jade is right now. Hopefully. I can't just keep Steven around for forever. He needed his mom, terrible as she was.

"Robbie?" Cat picks up the phone. No hello. Just Robbie as if she's surprised that I would ever try to contact her. I couldn't blame her though. For the last month of senior year I avoided her and didn't return her texts or calls. I know, immature, but I didn't feel like dealing with her stupidity while she tried to apologize for just running away when I kissed her and a bunch of other things. She didn't mean it; she never would.

"C-Cat? Hey..." I start out, not entirely sure how to launch into this conversation.

"Hi?" she responds, sounding frazzled.

"Uh...So...um...What's been...new?" I question awkwardly, pausing in between words that should have formed a fluent sentence but was broken up by my incapability to talk right.

"I, uh...I...I work as an actress." She adds a nervous laugh at the end so that I know she's not telling the truth. She was never very good at fibbing. I try to contain the anger rising in me that she refuses to tell me what's really going on like I'm not good enough to know what's happening. Then again, I critically remind myself, I've also been out of her life for years on end. "What about you?"

"Just in college," I say.

"That's great...but...um...Robbie?...Why did you, uh, call?" she asks, confusion lacing her voice.

"I just...Um, it's about Jade," I finally concede and I hear something fumbling on the other end of the line.

"Jade?"

"Yeah...You wouldn't happen to know what's been going on with her lately, would you?"

"Um, no..." she begins to laugh, "Why would I know that?"

"Okay, so you don't have any idea of where she might be living right now? Because, um, she kinda left her kid with me and I, er, need to, um, return him...to her?" I try.

"She...she left you with St- her kid?" Cat asks quietly and I can't help but feel like she knows a lot more about this situation than what she's letting on. But why? Doesn't she want Jade to have her kid back to? Ugh, this is so frustrating. Jade can't just freakin' ditch me and then expect everyone to keep her location a secret.

"Yeah...I'm not exactly sure what to do with him...And Cat, if you are lying and you do know where Jade is, then you don't have to tell me. Just, can you, um, come pick Steven up and bring him to Jade...or something?" I request, but suddenly I hear a crinkling paper on the other line.

"Robbie...We're...breaking...up...Sorry...Going...Bye," the phone call is ended leaving me with two suspicions. One, either Cat is high which I highly doubt, or two, she's keeping some information about Jade.

I guess I'll just have to try the others.

So I call them, but each phone call is even less successful than Cat's. Tori's as well as Sinjin's phone numbers have been disconnected and the others had no clue of the whereabouts of Jade or what she had been doing with her life and were completely taken by shock when I told them that, yes, she did have a son that looked incredibly like Beck, and no, no one knew who the father was.

I walk back inside the apartment feeling more hopeless than ever. I suppose this meant I was stuck with Steven for a long time, or at least until Jade decided to pull her _fucking_ act together and _fucking_ come back for her _fucking_ kid. Poor Steven. I wonder what it's like to know that your mother just abandoned you in favor of doing drugs or smoking pot or getting drunk or whatever the hell Jade was doing right now. I know the kid appears strong, but after tonight, I can see he's suffering.

I plop down on the couch in the first room, exhausted and filled with remorse. The poor, poor kid...Tomorrow, as much as a bad idea as it is, I'm going to skip class and we're going to go into the city. He deserves a day of real fun and not just the usual days where I leave him to fend for himself for half of it and then come back and do homework for the other.

I drowsily close my eyes and allow myself to start to drift off...

.

"Robbie...Robbie...Robbie! Robbie, you droolin'!" I'm awoken by a small hyperactive toddler's voice. "Come on, get up, get up!" he pleads when I roll the other way to get him to knock it off. "Pwease? I so bored," he complains and when I don't respond, he jumps on me. "Robbie wake up! I hungry!"

I let out a groan before pushing him off of me and to the side. "Fine," I relent and stand up.

"Make me bweakfast?" he begs and I know he _knows_ how to say the word 'breakfast' correctly; he's just trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants.

"Ugh...Let me get changed first and shower...and then maybe we can go out to breakfast," I compromise, rubbing my eyes under my glasses. It's blasphemous how much control this child has over me.

He nods his head excitedly. "Yay! We gon' go out for food!" he cheers. "You and me Robbie?" he asks, just to check and I tiredly reply yes. "Yay! This is so great!" he yells, holding out the so. I cover my ears and stumble to the bathroom to get ready. Why was I such a good person? Still, his excitement to spend the morning with me brightens my day and lightens my mood. By the end of today he was going to be so happy.

We end up going out to a pancake house before driving up to the nearby city. There's tons of shopping places and Steven drags me into nearly every store that has the word 'toy' or 'play' in it. We walk around for hours, looking into every window and playing the 'don't step on the crack or you'll break your mother's back' game and he wins and I only grunt in reply. Later I call my mother out of the blue just to make sure she's okay and she is, so we continue on our little adventure until it's getting dark out. Steven suggests ice cream, ironically, breaking Jade's rules and even though I spent more money on him than I should have already, I agree, although not without a raised, questioning eyebrow at his sudden change of values.

"Yay! Ice cweam is the best!" he comments before dashing into the store at the fastest speed he can reach. I toddle after him, taking a deep breath and trying to stop myself from growing ever more tired before I enter the shop. Steven immediately latches on to me the second I enter. "Chocolate chip mint please?" he curiously asks.

"All right. Cone or cup?"

"Cone!" he exclaims and I lift an eyebrow up at him in amusement.

"But you and I both know you'll end up spilling it. I suggest you get the cup," I advise him but he gives me a pouty look and a 'do I have ta?' and I can't force him to, so I agree to let him get the cone. Sure enough, within seven or so minutes of having it, the ice cream drops on the floor. He stares at it in horror and I only raise my eyebrow again. I've been doing a lot of that lately. Steven tells me I look like Jade when I do that. Silly kid.

"I told you that you were going to spill it."

"My ice cweam..."

"You're going to have to clean that up you know," I inform him, taking another bite of my vanilla ice cream that was conveniently in a cup.

"I know..." he replies sadly and then picks up the cone and some of the ice cream and tosses it in the nearby trash. Then he runs over to the utensils area and grabs a crap ton of napkins and wipes up the mess. It's not perfect, but it's good enough so when he goes to fetch more napkins, I shake my head.

"That's good. Thank you Steven," I thank him.

"Welcome," he says and slides next to me in the booth I was sitting in. He depravedly stares at the ground until I eventually give in and push my ice cream towards him.

"Here, have it," I sigh and he looks up at me, his face lighting up like I just told him he won the lottery.

"Really?" he asks.

"Yeah. Really," I reply and that's all it takes for him to dig in and devour my ice cream. I watch jealously, sad that I couldn't have the rest of my ice cream. He doesn't seem to notice though and just shoves it all down his throat like a barbarian.

"Hey Steven?"

"Yeppers?" Steven looks at me, vanilla face all over his face.

"Why the sudden change of heart? I thought Jade didn't want you to eat ice cream."

"Oh..." His face falls and he hesitates before answering. "I forgot," he lies.

Once he's done we take off for home and when we reach the apartment I have to lug all the bags of stuff I've bought into the house while he carries nothing. We go into the house and he gets ready for bed while I grab a gluten free beer from the fridge. I'm about to sit down when I realize if he comes out and sees me with this, he might think I'm becoming like his mom or something weird might happen. I decide not to risk it and put the beer back in.

If only.

I gaze at it dreamily until I can muster up the strength to turn away and grab a juice box instead.

"Hey Robbie?" a voice calls and I snap my head to look at Steven, dressed in his pajamas, holding a new stuffed animal that I had bought for him today. It was a friendly looking wolf and the minute he saw it, he fell in love with it. I couldn't say no to him, even when he tried to assure me that he didn't need it.

"What's up?" I ask, ripping the straw off of my juice box and stabbing it into the highlighted area.

He debates whether to say something before he runs forward and grabs me into a tight hug. At least, grabs my legs and his wolf drops to the floor. I bend down on my knees, pulling away from him for a second, then set my juice on the floor and return his hug. We don't say anything, just stay like that until finally I give him a pat on the head and he smiles up at me before taking off to the bedroom. What a kid.

.

A week or so goes by since our little escapade and I decide to take him out again, this time to the park. We have fun, throwing the frisbee, him playing on the playground, and petting dogs that happened to stroll by with their owners. It's another action packed day and he comes home extremely tired and sucking his thumb (which I reprimand him and warn him that doing that could mess his mouth up). In fact, he's so tired I have to carry him to bed and put him under the covers, not bothering to change his clothes.

I tuck him in and then he looks up at me, eyes blinking sleepily, a dopey smile on his face. "Tell me story Robbie?" And I do. A wonderful tale, if I do say so myself, that I made up myself about a handsome, charming father, and an amazing, talented boy. And as my story ends and I go to get up, he takes his little hand out from under the covers, ruining my tucking job, and grabs my wrist.

"Night Dadd...I mean...Robbie." He blushes a red crimson color before hurriedly withdrawing his hand and turning over so that he's facing away from me. I stare at him for a while, a stupid grin plastered on my face.

"Night...son," I try, even though it feels weird to be calling Jade's son _my_ offspring. Still...if it makes him happy, then so be it.

.

I was wrong. Incredibly wrong. A month flies by and then one Tuesday, I hear a knock on my door. Now I haven't ordered take out and no one was supposed to come by, so this is extremely unusual.

"Who at the door?" Steven asks me inquisitively from his spot across from on the floor (we were playing a round of cards). "Should I get it?" He scrambles to his feet and normally I would let him open the door, but this was an unexpected visit and I had no clue who was going to be behind the mysterious door. It could have been a robber, or a crazy dude with a gun, or even a salesclerk.

"I got it," I smile at him and he nods before plopping back down on the floor. I get to my feet and as I'm waltzing towards the door, the person begins to knock continually. "All right already I'm coming!" I exclaim and jog over to the door before throwing it open. And look who it is. It's none other than Jade West here for a visit.

My mouth drops open in shock.

* * *

**_*IMPORTANT*_**

_Author's Note: Yes, there is such a thing as gluten free beer :) And yeah, I jump time so much, but I'd rather not have this turn into a 50 chapter expedition! Plus it's already written and because it is, I'm just going to upload a new chapter every day until it's over. Then I might do one of two things. Either a) upload a pre written multi chapter story that I have that's, I don't know, maybe 20,000 words? (It's a Cade one that's kind of sloppy) or b) just leave this fandom. Because how many people are still here? I'm guessing definitely not as much as their used to be when it was still on air. Maybe I'll go to Glee or something since the fanfics there are probably better than the show now..._

_Also, on the last chapter in my Author's Note I asked if anyone saw this video, but FanFiction deleted what I said. Dan put up a new video on the slap and I just thought it was really cool :)_

_Any who, hope you enjoyed and if you did, drop a review, and if you didn't, then tell me what you would have liked to see!_


	6. An Ironic, Cruel Joke

_Just Keep On Keeping On: An Ironic, Cruel Joke_

"Robbie, I-"

"Shh!" I warn her, holding my finger to my lips in an attempt to get her to shut up. "Hey Steven, I'll be right back, okay? I have to talk to, uh, my friend Liz for a second," I lie before shoving Jade out of the apartment, me trailing after her. I close the door behind me and give Jade a well deserved glare.

She returns it.

"What? I didn't want Steven to get worked up. He doesn't need to know you're here yet. You'll only upset him," I hiss coldly and she crosses her arms over her chest, taking up the classic Jade stance.

"I want my kid back," she demands evenly. She taps her fingers against her porcelain skin but I stare defiantly at her.

"You can't just abandon your kid with me and then come back, all of the sudden wanting him to return. It doesn't work like that. Nu-uh Jade," I whisper threateningly, not wanting to raise my voice incase Steven overheard. The walls of the apartment were thin. Some loud things you could hear through it.

"Yes it does," she snarls. "This is my kid, not yours. You didn't birth him and you sure as hell didn't adopt him. I don't see any papers anywhere." She's right, I know she is, but I can't help but feel anger surge inside of me. She can't just claim Steven like he was some _object_. He was a person; a child no less. Even if I was looking to give Steven back to her, she couldn't just barge in like this. Unexpected and unannounced. It just wasn't right. It wasn't orderly.

"Maybe you're right-"

"I am."

"But I'm not letting you have him until you get your act together. You look even worse than before and that's saying something," I tell her off because it's true. Her outfit doesn't match and her hair looks like a messy rat nest. Her figure is gaunt and she seems even skinnier than when I last saw her. In fact, she was so skinny her cheekbones were more defined than Tori's.

"But you are and you will," she counters.

"No!" I shoot back.

"How about we let him decide," she barks, but I spread my arms across the door.

"No way are you getting in my apartment and making him feel like crap. You can't hurt this kid any longer Jade. You may be his biological mother, but you sure as hell aren't a real mother. If you were-" At this point she shoves me to the side, fed up with my speech, and lets herself in the apartment. "Jade no!" I holler at her, but she ignores me.

"Steven?" she calls. "Oh, Steven? It's Jade honey." I cross my fingers and hope that Steven is hiding someplace, but everything is crushed when the toddler runs out to greet his mother.

"Jade!" He goes to wrap her in a big hug, but stops himself when he remembers Jade hates contact. Jade leans down and puts her hands on his shoulders. He suddenly looks uncomfortable and his tanned face begins to pale.

"That's right baby, it's me, come to take you back from mean old Robbie...He took you without my permission and we're going to report him to the police," she coos to me and I can do nothing but stand in the background, horrified at what she's saying and what's happening.

Steven shakes his head a little bit fearfully.

"Hm? What's wrong?" This time her voice is a lot less kind.

"I like Robbie...He good," Steven admits shyly, looking down at the ground. I can't see Jade's face from where I'm standing, but I imagine it must be a scary one because Steven visibly flinches.

"You know how I feel about incorrect grammar," Jade says tensely. "And Robbie stole you away from me. He's not a good man."

"I never did-"

"Oh shut up Shapiro. Now come on Steven. Let's go home." She makes a move to get up and leave, but Steven stands where he is. He's scared to go with Jade. "Steven, dear, I said let's go," Jade repeats more harshly. Steven continues to object, standing in puerile defiance of his mother.

I decide to interject now and quickly place myself in between them. "You can't make him do what he doesn't want to do," I remind Jade who sends me a sharp look.

"He'll do what I want him to do. I'm his mother. _You_ have no relation to him," she fiercely defends herself.

I hold eye contact with her, staring off at each other for a minute or so before I whirl the other way and bend down so that I'm level with Steven. "Steven, what do you want to do?" I question him and when I hear Jade try to say something I silence her by telling her to shut the fuck up.

"I...I...I want to..."

"Come with mommy Steven! We'll go get some ice cream afterwards, how does that sound?" Jade bribes, giving him permission to break one of her rules, her sickeningly sweet voice back, only even more sugarcoated topped with whipped cream. It was creepy hearing Jade talk this way. It was unnatural.

"I want to stay with daddy!" he suddenly shouts and I'm a bit surprised that he called me his dad because we've never said those terms of endearment to each other after that one night. But here he is, calling me his dad. I feel a bit of pride swell up in me because I know this decision must have been hard for him to make because he was only a child for goodness sakes.

"You...What? He's not your daddy!" Jade's attitude is back and more fiery than ever.

"Just get out Jade. You heard the kid. He doesn't want you. And neither do I. In fact, no one fucking wants you so get the hell out of my house," I assert and she finally complies, although not without an 'I'll get you' look.

As she swings the door open, she pauses at the threshold to warn me. "I'm going to call the police Shapiro. You better be ready for a shit load of legal crap thrown your way." Then she leaves apparently to 'call the police' even though she and I both know that she won't. She can't. They'll chew her out for her use of drugs and probably a crap ton of other illegal stuff. For now, Steven and I are safe.

I turn around to give him a small smile, but he's not there and I hear a barely audible sob coming from the bedroom. Oh great. I tentatively stride towards the bedroom and lean in the doorway, eyes transfixed on the brown haired boy crying into his stuffed wolf, or Benjamin, as he likes to call it.

"Steven...Hey buddy...What's wrong?" It was a stupid question, but I couldn't think of what else to say. I was never very smooth with words.

"I w-w-want Mommy," he cries and I can't help but be confused at his statement. After all, he had just chosen me over that wicked witch. I go over to him and sit down on the other side of the bed.

"I thought you wanted to stay here..."

"I-I do...B-But I just w-want Mommy," he sobs louder when he says Mommy. Funny thing he's not calling Jade by her name right now. Still, it's understandable. Growing up with an awful mother and then suddenly getting ripped away from her, only to have her come back and pour salt on the wounds is tough, especially for a little kid who can't quite comprehend everything.

"It'll be okay Steven...You'll have me," I grin at him, voice shaking with unease. I wasn't sure how to make him feel better because I didn't know if he would be okay. I didn't know what would happen in the future. Maybe Jade would sober up and then press charges against me and there would be a huge fight. Maybe Jade would try to steal him back. Maybe I can't be an adequate enough guardian and he never truly forgets Jade.

He sniffles and the room goes quiet for a minute or so. I stare at him, he stares at the wolf. Finally, he speaks. "She not all bad." This seems to be something he constantly reminds me of. Whenever we talk about his mother, that comment always come up. Every time.

"Yeah?" I respond the usual way and except him to say 'yeah' and for this to be dropped. But he surprises me and tells me a story.

"You know she always tuck me in bed when she home...Sometimes she even tell stories...She take me to get dinner and to go shoppin'. She says to me, 'I always do my best for you always. I love you Stevie' and then she'll go, 'You so handsome Stevie, just like Beck Oliber. You so special. Remember dat.' She give me hugs and kisses and let me sleep with her when there thunder storms...She not all bad...Not all the time..." he recounts, playing with his wolf, his sniffling dying down. I can't help but recall all the good memories with Jade and all the things she did _right_. He was right. She wasn't all bad. Not all the time.

I start to doubt whether keeping him was quite the right decision. After all, I didn't have actual proof that Jade did a lot of drugs, if any at all. Sure she had looked awful and smelled horrific, but maybe it was something else...Maybe she was just going through a hard patch in her life.

I examine Steven. When I first brought him here he didn't seem hurt or that emotionally traumatized...

"Do you...Do you want to go back with her?" I ask, a big knot forming in my throat. I didn't want him to leave. Not now. Not after everything he and I had been through. Even though I had spent all that time searching for Jade, now that the time presented itself that I actually had the opportunity to give Steven back, I fled. And I have no idea why.

Stupid, fucked up, annoying emotions.

"I...I dunno Robbie...I dunno..."

"Because you can leave if you want...I...I'm not going to be mad." He seems to contemplate my offer before shaking his head and burying it in his furry wolf. He doesn't answer. Just stays in that position. I let out a sigh and get up, pat him on his head affectionately, and then leave. What am I supposed to do?

I find it ironic that a few months ago I was actually searching for Jade, hoping that she'd randomly show up the next day and take Steven back.

Hmph.

And then there was Steven, who had wanted her to come back so badly, who was missing her so much, but denied going back with her when the moment finally came...what was happening to me? I was supposed to want to get rid of Jade's child.

What an ironic, cruel joke, world.

* * *

_Author's Note: Poor conflicted, confused Robbie. And short chapter is short. Next chapter has Cat in it though. Not that it has anything to do with the short chapter...but you know. Or not._

_Anyway, leave a review if you liked and drop a comment if you hated._

_Hope you enjoyed! :)_


	7. The Coffee Shop

_Just Keep On Keeping On: The Coffee Shop_

The next week is gloomy at best. Our little apartment seems to be devoid of happiness. Steven is withdrawing back into his shell. I had hoped giving him time would make him go back to normal, fun, bubbly Steven, but it doesn't.

So I decide to talk to Jade. Sure, maybe Steven's state is only temporary, but maybe it's not and maybe keeping him from his mom is the wrong thing. Maybe Jade isn't really all that bad. Maybe she has her moments, but maybe she's loving. Sure she left me with Steven, but she just seemed so confused at the time. So haggard and weak. And she did come back for him.

I dial up Cat after retrieving my phone from the car. She answers on the final beep again with a weary hello.

"Hey Cat. I know you know where Jade is, so don't even try to deny it. I want to talk to her about Steven. I think he might want to go back with her..." I jump right into it, wasting no time. I hear a gasp on the other line and can just visualize Cat's shocked face.

"I...I'll tell her to call you," she says and then the line goes silent for a while. "A-And...Hey Robbie?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything." And with that she hangs up, ever the flighty Cat Valentine.

Later that day I get a phone call from Jade and we decide we're going to meet up at a coffee store at about six that's only around half an hour from my house. She sounds excited and I can't help but want to scream at her that she's not getting Steven back. That he hates her and wants to stay with me, but I don't, because that's not true.

I spend the few hours I have until I go meet Jade moping around the house, Steven staring at me from the couch wondering what's wrong with me. But no, he doesn't ask, and I can't help but feel a twinge of disappointment that he's slipped back so far into this withdrawal that he's hardly speaking to me. Still, I'm happy because if we were to talk, I'm afraid I might have a nervous breakdown right in front of the toddler and that would _not_ be good. Much worse than ignoring one another.

I pace back and forth while time slowly clicks away until it's six. Then it's time to face Steven, the boy I've been living with for almost a year. Huh. Has it really been that long?

"Steven?" I inquire and his head immediately pops up from behind the couch.

"Yeah?"

"I have to go out with one of my friends to work on a project...I don't know when I'll be back. If you're hungry, I bought some more snacks and I also picked up your favorite." His eyebrows shoot up in interest.

"Vanilla Wafers?"

"Yeah. Vanilla Wafers," I wink and a bright smile takes over his face. It's nice to see him smile that widely. After all, he hasn't been doing much of it lately. I walk towards the entryway and grab my jacket before pausing to look back at him. "You know the rules, right buddy? No letting in strangers. If you hear something crazy happening call 911. If something randomly combusts, make sure to crawl under the smoke and out the door, then run away from the building and go to the neighboring apartments and point out that there is a fire in our building..." What? Anything could happen. "Oh, and if Ethan comes-"

"Yeah, I know, I know. Hide in your closet unless I can find a way out. I got it, I got it. You can go now," Steven groans exasperatedly. I can't help grin.

"Okay, okay, I'm going," I concede, quickly going over to him and ruffling his hair. He ducks a little before throwing me a smirk and then tries to smooth out his messy hair.

"Bye bye kiddo!" I cheerily say before hastily making my way from the apartment into my car, and from my car all the way to Starbucks in a complete state of panic. This could go incredibly, incredibly wrong, or it could go...Well, I couldn't really see a way this could go right now that I think about it...Either way, it's to late to back out now so I end up parking in the small lot and then shuffling into the coffee place, the door jingling as I push it open.

Jade's already waiting.

"Robbie!" she calls, waving me over to her hurriedly. I scowl but come anyway. Here we go. I take a seat across from her, trying to avoid eye contact for as long as possible.

"You know, I think I'm going to grab a drink rea-"

"Don't try to avoid this Shapiro...Now I heard you wanted to talk to me about Steven," she launches straight into it, leaning forward onto her knees and raising her eyebrows at me expectantly. I bring myself to look at her, sneering, and twiddle with my thumbs a bit. She takes offense at this and narrows her eyes. "We're already starting this?" she dares me.

I sigh, forcing my face to become neutral. _Shapiro, get a hold of yourself man_! "I've been thinking...and it might be best for him to go back living with you...On one condition." She looks almost crestfallen as I add the extra piece of information, but composes herself so quickly that I doubt if I even saw the way her face screwed up in sorrow at all. "You have to tell me what you've been doing with your life and then you're going to have to fix whatever you're doing wrong."

"You're not my judge," she hisses, immediately pushing back on me. I should have expected such a reaction from the infamous Jade West.

"Actually, yes I am-" She tries to talk over me, but I raise my voice a little louder drawing the attention of two old ladies sitting a table over and plow through with what I had been saying. "I will decide if Steven goes back to you because I'm not going to allow him to go back with you if you can't freakin' take care of yourself. So, whether you like it or not, I'm going to be '_the judge_' and you had better be nice and comply if you want to have any hope of getting Steven back." Her eyebrows slant further, but I ignore it and continue our conversation.

"First off, where did you go when you left Steven?"

"My other house," she icily spits.

"Cut the attitude," I warn. "And that's a lie. You don't have any money to afford another house." She grimaces for a second, but then steels herself.

"Fine. Cat's."

"Okay, good. What were you doing there?"

"As if that's any of your damn busin-"

"As I said before, it is. Now be a good girl Jade and answer." The tone in which I reprimand her shocks me. I've changed a lot since high school. I was no longer the nerd that everyone could push around. I had gained some confidence.

"I was sorting out what to do with my life."

"And did that include doing drugs or drinking?" I ask without shame.

"I...Maybe a little bit."

"Okay." I had already guessed that much. "Are you a habitual user?"

"Sometimes. When I'm upset."

"So, if you smoke, or do drugs, or drink, or whatever, what makes you think you can take care of Steven when you couldn't before?" I hit the question that was bound to come up sooner or later.

"I'm better now."

"How?"

"I can control myself more."

"_How_?"

"You're really getting on my nerves."

"As you are on mine," I snarl back. "Now _how_." It's more of a demand than a question really.

"I...I don't know...I just can."

"So you've come to terms with Beck?"

"I- what?" she spits, incredulous. I can't help but be shocked. She thinks she can take care of Steven when she still hasn't gotten over Beck?

"You're _still_ hung up on him?"

"Robbie, that's stupid. How can I be hung up on someone that's dead? Your question is dumb. Now can we move on to more important things?"

"Jade, I can't trust you with Steven when you still have problems dealing with Beck. After all, you said it yourself, he looks to much like a young Beck...I think we're done here. Get help," I add insult to injury and make a move to get up, but she lashes out and grabs my wrist.

"No wait! I mean, stay. I'm not hung up on Beck...I can...I can prove it! Ask me anything about his death. I'll show you I'm over it and that I know he's dead and there's nothing I can do about it." My curiosity is peaked and I sit back down.

"Okay then...So you're not still in love with him?" I say hesitantly. She takes a deep breath, biting her lip.

"No...He's just the past," she admits quietly.

"And you're not ever upset anymore, thinking you could have done different?"

"No. I mean, I think about him when I get up every morning, but I never waste my day on it."

Seems healthy enough. "Okay. And so...you don't blame yourself for what happened? That you feel you could have stopped his death?" And here's where she hesitates. Her eyes flash with pain and her strong facade is quickly washed away. Her body is trembling slightly like she's remembering something she wishes she wasn't, and I'm painfully reminded of how skinny she is as I look at her frail body, rattling like a leaf in the wind.

"Jade...You don't still blame yourself, right?" I ask again, giving her another chance to answer, making it extremely easy for her to just say yes and be done with this. But she can't bring herself to say it and even when she opens her mouth as if to say something, she snaps it shut. "Jade...Beck's death wasn't your fault...you do believe that, don't you?" I whisper softly, gently, suddenly taken by the pitiful sight of the girl in front me. She pulls her feet up on the armchair she was sitting on and hugs her legs close to her. Her actions remind me that she's not a robot with no feelings or no nothing as I had made her out to be in this whole ordeal. She's human to and she makes mistakes.

I almost feel pity for her.

"I think...I think...we're done. Beck, er, Steven is, um..." I fall silent as those names are all it takes for Jade to start crying. She quickly jumps to her feet and hastily walks out of the store, and I don't know what is possessing me at this moment, but I follow her and run out after her. She's heading for her car and it doesn't take much for me to get ahead of her. I stop her, put my hands on her shoulders, and look her right in her eyes. "Jade...you can't keep running forever."

She holds my gaze for a second or two. "I know," she whispers and then starts to really break down. I realize we're making a scene so I steadily lead her to my car and she slides down the side of it and buries her face in her hands. I'm instantly reminded of all those years back when we were in high school after Beck's death when she was just Jade, not Jade the dropout, and I was just Robbie, not Robbie the friendless lunatic.

I slide down beside her, resting my head back on my car. I close my eyes and inhale deeply before letting out a dry laugh. "What happened to us?" I muse, opening my eyes and glancing at Jade whose frame is shaking. She looks so weak. So pathetic. She's just a shell of a girl that once was. She lost all her fire, all her hope, herself, Steven, and all her money. Really, she's got nowhere to go, nowhere to be. I smile sadly as tears begin to fill my eyes. No wonder she wants Steven. She's got nothing else.

I rub at my eyes, wiping away the tears from under my glasses, crying because of everything that's been happening. Crying because when I glance at Jade, so broken and so shattered, I know I'm going to give Steven back to her even though I don't want to. Crying because it's okay to cry when everything's not all right.

So, eyes most likely red and bloodshot because my skin was irritated easily, I scoot over and wrap my arms around Jade. She buries her face into the crevice of my neck and I could feel the hot tears dripping onto my shoulder. "It's okay...Shh, it's going to be all right. We're going to get you help...Shh..."

* * *

_Author's Note: You know the thought just occurred to me that I haven't been replying to reviewers...Usually I reply to everyone, I swear. But I haven't. So I just wanted to thank everyone for their reviews, it means a lot!_

_Any who, hope you enjoyed! Kinda short chapter again, but lots of action, yeah? :)_


	8. The Beach

_Just Keep On Keeping On: The Beach_

And help I get her. After that day I enrolled her in therapy, paying the small fee with my own money. She's set up to go for three months, so that's all the time I have left with Steven. Three months. And when I give him back to Jade, I know I'll most likely never see him again, knowing Jade.

A part of me still hopes she doesn't get better.

Anyway, a month passes by quickly, Steven and I hardly conversing. He still seems upset and while I want to tell him that his mother is going to come by in three months and pick him up, I don't because I have no idea how he'll react. Still, I want him to be that somewhat happy kid he had been before for the last twelve weeks I had left with him, so I decide to take him out for a day of fun at the beach.

When I tell him my plan he seems enthusiastic about it so the next day we pack up our things for a day at the beach and just go. Luckily, for the first time in a while the car ride isn't silent and Steven shares with me his fascination with sharks. I don't bother to point out to him that sharks aren't exactly friendly when he expresses his desire to swim with them and pet them all day long.

We arrive at the beach soon enough and Steven immediately takes off and jumps into the water, leaving me to trail after him, carrying all our stuff, and apologizing to the miffed beach attendant when Steven zipped right past him without paying for a bracelet. Then I traverse the hot sand, doing a kind of jig to try to avoid burning my feet in my stupid flip flops, and finally settle at an open spot near the water.

I set up all our crap before tracing Steven's steps and going over to him in the ice cold ocean water. He's standing ankle deep and going no farther in, a look of fascination and fear battling for dominance on his face.

"Hey, Steven, buddy, what's wrong?"

"I...I can't swim," he replies quietly.

"You...you can't swim?" But every little kid knows how to swim! I shake my head at Jade's parenting skills. "Okay, fine. I'll teach you, that is, if you wanna learn."

"Oh boy I do!" he exclaims cutely.

"Okay, great," I smile and bend down so that I can pick him up on my shoulders. He squeals with joy and I take him a little further into the ocean so that I'm in to my thighs. Luckily the waves aren't that big nor that strong so I'm able to brave them without putting Steven down. He's giggling happily and having a grand ole time up there, but all good things have to come to an end so soon I take him down, spin him around once and put him down. The water comes to around Steven's shoulders and he shudders at the chilly water, but continues to grin nonetheless.

Suddenly a wave strikes us and Steven goes flying back, chortling amusedly. He picks himself up and immediately races back in, jumping over the waves that he can.

"Okay Steven, ready? I'm going to show you how to dodge the next wave. You're going to go under it, all right?" He nods his head ecstatically and watches as I dive under the water, pretending a wave is overhead. I come up in a second. "Get it?"

"Mhm!" he tells me.

"All right then. Practice right now before a real wave comes." As there were only waves that did not break coming towards us at the moment. He demonstrates what he can do by flailing downwards so that his head is underwater and his lower body is sticking straight out. When he remains like that for twenty seconds or so, kicking his feet sporadically, I frown and lift him back up. "What was that?"

He shakes his head like a dog to get his hair out of his face before looking up at me, that broad smile still slapped on his face. Man this kid was resilient.

He shrugs. "I try dive like you," he explains the obvious.

I roll my eyes but accept that this isn't exactly a very good place for a toddler to learn how to swim. We end up backing a little farther out of the water and just jumping over the baby waves, although occasionally a wave would break and send Steven crashing into the sand. Every time he got up with a chuckle and a light shining in his eyes.

Eventually we got out when Steven's lips turned blue and his teeth started chattering. He tried to tell me that he wasn't cold, but I threw him over my shoulder and walked back over to our spot on the beach, suggesting we make a sandcastle.

We only get so far before I get bored and thirsty and sit down on the chair a few feet away from Steven. I grab a water from the cooler I brought along and as I'm drinking it, a little boy runs up to Steven and starts to excitedly chatter to him. At first Steven is reserved and cautious, but the adventurous stranger is able to get him to open up and they start working on the sandcastle together. Not far behind the young boy is a girl, running up to him and apologizing profusely.

"Hey, it's okay. Steven likes the company," I smile at her and she seems to relax. "If you want you can sit down over here," I invite, pointing towards the other chair that was meant for Steven, but since him and his new friend were busy playing in the sand it was currently unoccupied.

"Thanks," she grins back and takes the seat. I take the chance to examine her. She looks to be around thirty or so, only maybe a few years older than me with a pale body and a nice physique (what?). She has pale green eyes and light blonde hair that may or may not be dyed.

"I'm Catherine by the way. What's your name?" she starts up the conversation.

"Robbie," I crack a grin at her.

"So what's your son's name?"

"Oh, uh, Steven? No, he's not my son," I choke out. I was to young to have a boy his age.

"Oh...Is he your brother than?"

"Nope, not that either," I awkwardly reply, not exactly sure how I'm going to go about my relationship to Steven.

"Okay...Babysitter?" she presses, thoroughly confused.

"Yeah...I'm his babysitter," I decide and her expression immediately clears up and she looks happy once again. "What's your kid's name?" I venture.

"Josh," she states proudly. "You know, you're a real nice babysitter to take your kid to the beach," she remarks. I just smile in return when suddenly Steven runs up to me.

"Hey Robbie can Josh and me go in the water? We going to catch crabs!" I let out a snort at his nativity.

"As long as you don't go _in_ the water," I give him permission but he pouts and gives me a puppy dog look.

"Aww, pwease?" he tries, using his 'cute' voice.

"No, sorry buddy," I shake my head, refusing to give in.

"But why not?" he whines, shuffling his feet on the hot sand.

"Because...a big monster will attack you!" I make up a reason and shoot forward out of my seat and grab him, hoisting him up in an almost planking position across my shoulders. He lets out a shrill squeak of happiness and holds out his arms as I spin him round and round.

"I'm a helicopter!" he cries out, making helicopter noises.

"Not for long!" I warn him and then stop spinning and place him back on the ground, falling after doing so. "The plane crashed!"

"Oh no!" he shouts. "I better call 911!" He dials up a pretend phone while I twitch on the ground animatedly, earning laughs from the woman and Josh. "Oh no they no answer!" he squeals, horrified. "I better save you myself!" He grabs my hand and tries to pull me back to my seat.

"Go on Steven! Just leave me and save yourself!"

"No, I can't!"

"Yes you can!" I splutter. "And just remember, believe in yourself and you will achieve great things!"

"No! Robbie! You can't do this!" he begs, falling to the ground on his knees as well.

"And, scene," I proclaim and get to my feet, wiping sand off of my bathing suit.

Steven lets out a hearty laugh before taking off with Josh towards the ocean and I go back over and take my seat next to the woman.

"You have a really close bond with that kid, huh?" she asks, almost to herself.

"Yeah, you could say that," I respond quietly, watching as Steven romps through the water with Josh following closely behind.

.

After that day Steven opens up again, but it only lasts for a week or so before he begins to withdraw into his own little world again like he's reminded of something very bad. I get the awful feeling that he knows about something that's going on.

Anyway, more time passes and I spend all of it I can with Steven, even taking off some time from my job to be with him. Even though he acts depressed, when we do things that he enjoys he immediately perks up and it's almost as if reality isn't happening.

Ha. If only.

One day as I'm making pancakes for breakfast, he waddles out the room groggily, dragging Benjamin, his stuffed wolf, by the leg. "Hey buddy!" I greet him as he takes a seat down at the table. "Morning!"

"Ugh. I had such weird dream last night," Steven voices offhandedly.

"Yeah? What was it?"

"It was about you and me. You was turned into a fwog and I had to find a way to turn you back. I try get Jade to kiss you, but she just wouldn't. But then a magical sharky came along and he bopped you on da head and saids that you needed to just enjoy bein' a fwog 'cause you was stuck like dat. So you beginned to hop 'round and eat flies." Steven makes a face as he recalls his dream. "It was just weird...just so weird." He shakes his head as if to get rid of the dream.

"Well...What if I said your dream was actually true and I am a frog?" I shiftily remark, smirking at him. I then proceed to hop around much akin to a frog and make croaking sounds. This makes Steven giggle and he joins me and we both act like idiots, er, frogs, and bounce around the room.

Afterwards we end up jumping into each other and fall back in a fit of giggles and laughter. When I'm able to compose myself I go back to the kitchen and remake the pancakes which have burned. When I serve it up to Steven, he sticks his tongue out and tries to eat it like a frog which incurs laughter from both of us.

And as I'm looking at him, my laughter dies down and I just stare with a sad smile on my face. I was really going to miss this.

.

I plan as many fun days as I can until it's the day before Jade comes. I really want to take him out to do something incredibly fun that will just knock his socks off, but my college courses decided to all be on the same day and last for hours and give me a shit load of homework. I considered skipping, but I've already missed so much school because of Steven that it's just not smart and I can't do it. So I don't.

And we end up having an uneventful day, although when it's time for bed and I tuck Steven in as per usual when I'm home at 8:30 I linger, reluctant to leave him. "Hey...You want to hear a bed time story or something?" I ask and Steven giddily nods his head yes.

"All right...What to make it about...Hm...Oh, I know. This is about a shining knight and his little pet shark," I grin and Steven is instantly hooked, his eyes going wide with interest. "Okay...So once upon a time there was a shining knight in armor. He was the best knight there ever was. He slayed every dragon and conquered every city he was told to. He even had a best friend named Rex. But even though he was incredibly successful, wealthy, and handsome as well, he just didn't feel right. There was something missing-"

"I bet I know what was missing!" Steven interrupts.

"Steven, hush! You're ruining the story!" I admonish and he quickly apologizes before promising not to do it again. I accept his apology with a nod of his head and continue my story that I was completely making up on the spot.

"And the knight just didn't know what it was. So he began to search for what was missing, only, it was hard to find something when he didn't even know what it was that was lost in the first place. Although, luckily for him, what he was missing waltzed right into his life without him having to find it. It had been a small shark, washed up on the shore when he was taking a walk on the beach one day.

"So he bent down and said to that shark, 'You need to get in that water, huh?' And of course the shark couldn't talk so it just flapped it's tail in response. So the knight decided that he would pull out his magic wand that he retrieved from the tallest mountain, and make this abandoned shark magical so it could live on land and talk. And live it did. It stayed with the knight everywhere the knight went and the pair went on adventurous missions, killing evil wizards and rescuing stranded unicorns. They become almost like father and son.

"But one day the little shark became very sad and the knight didn't know why. So he decided to ask the shark and the shark told the knight that he was very upset. He missed his family and while he had some good times with the knight, he also had some good times with his family and missed them. Then the little shark went up to bed as it was very late and left the knight to ponder what he should do.

"The knight, being one of valor and honor, took a very long time to think of what to do because he wanted to make sure he was making the right decision. After all, he didn't want the little shark whom he had become such close friends with to be sad. So the next day the knight set out and left the little shark with his best friend Rex. The knight went diving to the very depths of the ocean of the beach he had found the little shark washed up on all that time ago only to look for the little shark's family.

"He eventually found the shark's family and struck them with his magic wand so they could talk to him and tell him if they wanted to see their son again. The shark's family replied that yes, they did very much want to see the little shark, so the knight proceeded to take them back to his castle to see the little shark.

"When the little shark saw his family, he was overcome with joy and rushed out to give everyone hugs. 'We missed you little shark!' the family exclaimed and the little shark said that he missed them to. The little shark and his family talked for a few hours and seemed to be having so much fun as the poor knight stood in the corner, feeling oddly out of place watching everything unfold.

"When it was time for the shark's family to leave, the knight stepped in and told them that they should start heading back to their home. The shark's family agreed but then asked if the little shark would like to come with them. Sadly, the little shark declined their offer saying he couldn't leave the knight, but the knight could recognize that something was amiss in his friend. His friend wasn't happy. There was something missing within him just like there had been something missing in the knight all that time ago. So the knight took the little shark aside and told him that it was okay for him to go with his family. The knight said that he wouldn't be mad and that he knew the little shark was missing his family very badly. He said that sometimes it's okay to leave everything behind for the sake of your loved ones.

"So the little shark agreed to go with his family and gave the knight a hug one last time before leaving to go back to the ocean with his family to live happily ever after. Meanwhile, the knight decided that he should get back to his job and work on conquering all evil and he knew that in his heart one day he meet the little shark again.

"The end," I wrap up, rather pleased with myself, but at the same time a heavy sorrow in my chest.

Steven smiled at me happily, contentedly. "So they both got happy endings?" he inquires, blissfully unaware of the knight's pain.

"Yeah," I lie, "they both got their happy endings."

"Good," he says and snuggles back into his bed. I give him a regretful stare, unable to pull myself away. He looks at me with confusion and I just shake my head.

"Goodnight Robbie," he chirps, thinking I was going to get up and leave.

"Goodnight Steven," I reply softly and then lean forward slowly. He remains still, gazing up at me, watching me. I lightly kiss his forehead before getting off the bed and turning out the lights.

As I'm about to leave the room, he pipes up. "I love you...Dad."

Despite my sadness, I respond. "Love you too."

That night I don't go to sleep. Just watch T.V. until it's three or so in the morning.

* * *

_Author's Note: Long chapter :) I tried to make this chapter cute...hope it worked. Anyway, lots of time skip, and Jade comes next chapter so you'll see if Steven stays or goes or even perhaps a compromise?_

_Any who, hope you enjoyed!_


	9. Lies

_Just Keep On Keeping On: Lies_

Jade comes early. 9:03 to be precise. She knocks on the door and I open it up, knowing exactly who it is.

"Hey Robbie," she greets me, eyes shining brightly. I hate to admit that she looks great. She gained some weight back and her hair seemed fuller and sleeker and her skin seemed to be radiating that healthiness it did when we were back in high school. She gives a flip of her ebony hair and I give her a weak smile.

"You did it."

"Yeah," she says. "I did it for now. It's still tough and there's a lot more work to be done."

I nod in recognition of her accomplishment and reluctantly step back and she comes into the house, walking proudly and with a purpose. "Steven?" she calls. "Steven, Ja- Mommy's here!" Steven comes running out from the bedroom, hollering his hello and throws himself onto her with a big hug. She bends down and ruffles his hair, smiling a genuine smile.

"I've missed you Stevie," she says.

"I missed you to Jad-"

"Mommy. Call me Mommy," she grins happily at him and at first Steven looks uneasy, but then he breaks out into a broad smile and envelops Jade into another hug. I watch the scene feeling sickly. This shouldn't be happening. Steven shouldn't just be jumping back into Jade's arms. This isn't fair. This isn't right.

"Mommy!" Steven chirps happily.

"That's right honey," Jade encourages him. "I've missed you so, so much. I'm sorry for leaving you baby. It'll never happen again. None of this will ever happen again," Jade tells him, pure euphoria radiating off of her in waves. She's so happy...

_And Steven is too._

"Really Mommy?"

"Really baby. We're going to put the past behind us and you're going to go back to your school and see your friends again and we're going to live together again and even Cat will come down and stay with us. You remember Cat, right? Of course you do. We're going to be a family again." She's changed. She really has. I haven't seen Jade this happy for a long, long time. It's almost refreshing, but at the same time, a small part of me wishes this wasn't happening. That Jade wasn't happy. That she wasn't changed.

"Yay Mommy! I can't wait to tell you everyting dat happened!" excitedly tells her.

"Great! How about you tell me on the way back to Hollywood?" Steven pulls away from his mother with a frown. "What's wrong Stevie?"

"Hollywood? We go back there?"

"Yeah, of course," Jade laughs a bit despite her confusion. She looks towards me and I shrug, letting her know I haven't told him anything. She sends a glare my way and it's good to see that this sickeningly sweet Jade isn't as nice as she seems. She's still Jade West somewhere in there. Just a transformed one.

"But...But what about Robbie?"

"Well he just babysat you for a while. Now it's time to go home," Jade explains.

"But...But...I'm going to miss him," he protests.

"I know, Steven, I know. But it's okay. You'll see him again," she lies.

"I will?"

"Yeah!" she lies again.

"I dunno..."

Before Jade can speak again, I interject with my own two cents. "Let me talk to him Jade. I got this." She narrows her eyes at me but nods and I take Steven into the bedroom. "Hey buddy...Do...Do you remember that story I told you last night with the knight and the little shark?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, just like the little shark it's time for you to go with your family. I'm going to miss you buddy, but it's for the best. I mean, you do miss your mom, don't you?" He nods his head. "Then it's okay. We'll see each other again." My voice almost breaks, but I keep it steady, holding myself together the best I could.

"But I want to see you everyday Robbie," he pouts and I pull him into a tight hug.

"I know buddy, I know. But your Mommy misses you and I know it's hard to go, but sometimes in life you have to do hard things. Besides, this isn't permanent," I add, struggling to keep my composure.

"I knows, but..."

"Hey, cheer up, okay? Your Mommy is back! Yay! Now you can go back to all your friends and family and tell them about all the fun times you had here and how excited you are that I'm coming up to Hollywood in a little bit!" I lie, forcing the happiness. Jade was never going to allow me back to see him. Besides, I don't even think Jade's serious about going to Hollywood. More likely than not it's just to throw me off. I still don't trust her. Not with things like this.

"You will?" Steven brightens up and a big smile is plastered on his face. I won't, but he'll probably eventually forget what I say today anyway. "Yay!" He throws himself onto me, giving me a big hug and I press a kiss to his head.

"Now why don't we go back out to Mommy? She's waiting for you after all!"

"I have to pack though!"

"No, it's okay, I got all your stuff ready last night," I inform him, pointing to bags that were huddled in the corner. He nods his head and then bounces back towards Jade and I grab his bags, lugging them out into the room Jade and Steven were in. "Here you go," I cheerily say, even though I feel like shit.

"Great, thanks Robbie," Jade smiles, taking the bags from me. "Now why don't you say bye to Robbie and then let's get going," Jade encourages her child, already heading towards the door. She opens it wide and waits for her child to hop on after her.

"Bye Robbie!" he exclaims, waving his hand crazily. I wave back, a small grin on my face, betraying everything I felt at that moment. And then he bounds out of the house and Jade lingers for half a second.

"Thank you Robbie. For everything. I owe my life to you." And with that, she shuts the door and they're gone.

I feel stiff. Just completely unmovable. I can't react. Can't do anything but stare at the door. I don't feel anything except this overwhelming sadness, and can't move except to blink my eyes. I don't know how long I'm there for, but apparently not that long because soon the door snaps open again and a little toddler is rushing into my house and jumping into my arms.

"Robbie!" he cries, wrapping his arms around my neck.

"Steven! Why...Why are you back here?"

"I needed to come say bye! For real!" he proclaimed.

"Yeah?" I croaked out.

"Yep! I can't just leave without no proper goodbyes!" He pulls back and looks me square in the eyes. "I'm going to miss you Robbie so much! But you're gonna come up real soon and visit, right?"

"Right," I weakly lie.

We stare at each other for a while, neither of us knowing what to say. It feels like there is a lot for me to tell him, a lot for us still to do like go to a movie theater or spend an entire day hiking or...or...I feel a lump in my throat start to form making it hard to swallow. My eyes start to tear up and I want to look away, but I know this right here will be the last mental visualize I have of Steven.

"Aw...Robbie, don't cry," he says softly and gently rubs the tears from my eyes. "We gonna see each other real soon, 'kay?...Pwease don't cry..." And it's like a chain reaction because Steven's eyes tear up as well.

"I...I...I love you Daddy!" Steven finally breaks down, throwing his arms around my neck. And we hold each other like that, just staying there, until I know he has to leave. I put him down on the ground and give him a stern look.

"Now be good for your Mommy, okay? And remember, don't answer the door for strangers, call 911 if someone is trying to kill you, and if something bursts into flames then-"

"Crawl under the smoke until I'm out. I got it, I got it," Steven reminds me.

"That's right. So be a good boy, okay...And I'll come down real soon," I promise, my heart aching more and more the longer this conversation continues. Steven nods his head fiercely.

"Bye bye!" he says to me one more time, with one last hug, before he scampers towards the door.

"I love you!" I call after him and he turns in the doorway, gives me a wink, and repeats the same thing back to me before tugging the door closed and dashing away. Then I hear a car drive away from outside and I know this time he's gone for good.

Then? Well then I grab a chair at the table and stare at the wall for a while. Just stare, stare, stare, until eventually staring becomes crying.

* * *

_Author's Note: This made me sad to write. And everyone seems to keep lying to Steven._

**_NEXT CHAPTER IS THE LAST CHAPTER._**

_And maybe...just maybe..._


	10. Chapter 10

_Just Keep On Keeping On: Epilogue_

Life without Steven is hard. Every time I come home I expect to see him sitting on the couch, watching T.V., or to be playing with his toys in the bedroom, and then he'll run up to me, hollering his hello and giving me a great bear hug. But he never does. And every time I walk through that door I feel empty. Like there's no purpose for me anymore. The only person who I cared for and who cared back for me besides family (although at that point we may as well have been related) was gone.

I tell myself it's for the best and remind myself that I did the right thing.

But for some reason, the more I tell myself that the harder it is to believe and life steadily gets worse. Exponentially. No smiling, bubbling kid to light up the house. No little buddy to take to the beach. No one to do anything. I was just alone.

It's an awful feeling. Being alone that is. It makes me want to just drink until I pass out (but of course I don't because I stopped all drinking when Steven came along). It makes me wonder if I'll ever find anyone that will be like Steven and fill this lonely space in my apartment.

My apartment's to big. I never noticed it before, but now looking at all the space makes me nauseous like something should be there. Like Steven should be here. After all, this was an apartment for two people.

Now after living with Steven for a year, I find everything different. School becomes extraordinarily boring, dragging on for hours on end. There's nothing to look forward to when I get home, so school just takes that much longer. My job becomes a pain in the ass as well. What's the point? I have enough money to take care of myself for a while so it's not like I _need_ to go.

But I do anyway. Each and every night maybe because for some ridiculous reason, I still have hope that Jade will bring Steven back and I'll need all the money I can get to make sure I can get by and perhaps to spoil him rotten, something I hadn't gotten the chance to do when he was here.

I wish I had before he left...

Something about our goodbyes felt dissatisfying. Like there was everything in the world to tell him. That I loved him and that I was so proud of him for being so strong throughout all of this. That I really do consider him like a son and that I wanted him to live with me so bad. That I wished I had been able to spend more time with him. That I would make a better parent than Jade and list the reasons he should stay.

But it was spent in silence and I didn't say any of those things. Didn't tell him how much he means to me. Didn't tell him how amazing he is. Didn't tell him that every time I glanced at him, I would smile a little because he could just brighten my day like that. Didn't tell him that I would give the world to have him stay.

Because, no, that would just make things more complicated.

So I lied to him. To make things easier for everyone.

To make things easier for _myself_.

I slam my fist down on the table I was once again sitting at. There were so many chances, so many...I could have told him everything. I could have done something. I could have made him stay.

_But I couldn't of._

And now he's gone and I doubt I'll see him again. I bet his bitch of mother is going to high tail it out of here, probably afraid that I would still want her kid back. It's just the type of thing she would do considering she left me no contact number, no address, and no school name. No way to find Steven ever again.

Except, when I sleep, I dream. I dream of finding him again, walking in by chance into Jade's mother's house. Jade would be packing again and then would storm off. Then I always had the chance to leave him or to take him.

Sometimes I leave him. I wonder if life would have been easier if he never came along. Wonder what it would be like to just go on normally. It would certainly not be troublesome. Not like it is now.

But in the majority of my dreams, I take him. Because even though I huddle up on my bed every night, trying to choke down my sobs, I never regret taking him. If I hadn't, then life would have continued on and I would have been just as meaningless, no real purpose to keep on living. But Steven...Steven had given me a purpose to wake up every day and make breakfast.

He always loved french toast for breakfast. Ha. I smirk at the memory of him jumping up and down, pulling on the hem of my shirt and begging for french toast. I would give in each time.

The memory soon fades and I'm right back to where I was. Feeling desolate. Feeling like life is just a burden and that I'm never going to find anything even akin to happiness again. Now that my kid is gone...What is there even to live for?

.

A few weeks go by and suddenly I hear a knocking on my door. Needless to say, I snap into action and sprint for the door, my hope flaring that Steven has come back. That he wants me back. That we could be a family instead of him and Jade.

I throw the door open, a stupid smile pinned on my face, ready to give Steven a great big hug.

...But it's not him. My smile fades and I feel crushed. I'm so stupid to have allowed my hopes to get up. Obviously it wasn't Steven. Why would it be?

The man in the door shuffles awkwardly, his piercing blue eyes on mine. He gives me a shaky smile, revealing his left dimple. His teeth are slightly yellowed. "Hey," he says.

"Hi."

"Long time no see, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So, I, uh...I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"For leaving you...I had to, uh, do some soul searching if you know what I mean."

"It's fine. Someone else stayed here while you were gone."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He clears his throat, looking a little lethargic and very uneasy. "Who, uh...Who stayed?" he asks, not that he seems to care all that much. He's just trying to make small talk.

"Just this little kid..."

"Oh, like...uh, your, um, your son or something?

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Oh."

At this point I step to the side and Ethan comes in, his suitcase trailing behind him. "Is it okay if I just put my suitcase here?" he inquires, taking his shoes off at the entrance way.

"Do whatever you want. This is your apartment too."

He nods his head and leaves his stuff in the entry hallway before going over to the kitchen and leaning against the counter. I follow him and do the same, although a safe distance away from him.

"Say, man, are you all right?" he asks after a while and I couldn't say I didn't expect him to ask that question. After all, I could bet ten bucks that my eyes were puffy and red right now, deep black bags under them.

"I've been better."

"This kid that left...You were close with him." It was more of an observation than anything else.

"Yeah."

"That kind of stuff cuts deep."

"Yeah."

"I understand," Ethan nods and we just stay there in a half comfortable, half awkward silence until I finally break it.

"So...What...What happened to you?"

Ethan looks at me with a shy smile and runs his hand through his blonde hair.

"Maybe it's a story for another time. It's kind of long," he shrugs.

"I've got time," I reply absentmindedly.

"Well...How to start? Uh, I guess here...You know, my friend died a few years ago and after that, I kind of went a little...crazy, to say the least. I started doing drugs..."

And he told me his story as I leaned there against the wall, finding I could relate to almost everything he was saying. Maybe Ethan wasn't all that bad of a man.

"And that's it. So, uh, do you think I could stay here? I have no where else to go, but I'll leave if you want me to. I understand it after all that's happened you wouldn't want me here."

I have the tempting urge to kick him out and continue drowning in my self pity where no one could see me, or I had the option to let him stay. See what he was like. Take him or leave him. I bite my lip for a moment, thinking.

"Stay. This is your apartment too."

And he does.

.

After a few days of living with Ethan, I find he isn't so bad. He's a good man. And he inspires me to open up that document I stashed away about a year ago about Beck's death. It needed some editing.

I reread the last paragraph of it:

_Either way, I want you to know I wish you were still here. You know, so that maybe Jade could have had a better life...And also, maybe because instead of people looking at the red suspenders hanging from my dark wash jeans as I walk down the halls of college, they could be looking at yours._

What a crappy ending. I quickly delete it.

_And, you know, maybe your passing is okay. Maybe, even though you sent Jade into a downward spiral, you indirectly had a hand in making Steven. Maybe if you had stayed around, then Jade would have been fine and you two would have happily be married._

_Or, God, I don't know._

_But then there would have never been a Steven. Maybe out of your death, the one good thing that happened was Steven. Because, you see, Steven was a different boy, a good boy. He was Jade's son and..._

I took the day and wrote down everything that happened with Steven. His whole life story up until the point where he went with Jade. I don't know what possessed me to spend hours doing so, tacking on to what was supposed to be Beck's life story, but I typed it all. Finally, I reach the end and decide to write something for closure.

_So, yeah, Steven left for good and I'll never see him again, but I don't regret anything. Not your death, not taking him, not anything. I suppose it's taken him to come to terms with your death, now that I think about it. After high school, I seemed fine. Hell, I even thought I was fine, but thinking back on it...I was closed off. Distant. I didn't try to make any friends. I was just existing. Not really living._

_But then...Then Steven came...and then he went._

_But, you know what Beck? I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I'll forever remember him and the way he filled this empty apartment up with such happiness, but I'm going to keep moving on. That's what you would have wanted and Steven as well if he was aware of the circumstances._

_And also, my old roommate came back. He has a story a lot like Jade's. It's almost, dare I say, therapeutic to talk to him. And plus he's filling that void that's been in this apartment the day Steven left it. And when I come home from work, I can usually expect to find him making something good for a midnight snack. Don't know how he has the time for it or why he's always back when I am, but he is and I don't question it._

_So, I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do in life or even what's going to happen to me, but I'll never forget you or Steven or even Ethan if it comes time for him to leave again._

_Hm...You know, it's funny. When I first wrote this it was easy for me to think of an ending and just slap it at the end of your life story, but now I can't really think of what else to say. I mean, everything that has been happening has been so momentous, and sometimes I don't know what to think of it all._

_Sometimes, I know it's crazy, but I still think of what you would do if you were here. Needless to say, even though you're gone, I still aspire to be like you once were. I hope I've been able to become more like you through all of this. Stronger, kinder, more understanding._

_But maybe not._

_So, I guess this is it. Goodbye, you know. This time for good._

_Robbie Shapiro, logging off._

I save it and close out the document and lean back in my chair. This was it. There was nothing else to say. Nothing really to do.

I got up from my chair and went out to the kitchen to see Ethan, in his apron that I told him to get rid of about a week ago, making french toast. I smile to myself as the smell reaches my nose. And as I go over to sit down at the table, I hear a knocking on my door.

I go over to it and turn the doorknob. I'm guessing it's Ethan's buddy come to hang out...but maybe, just maybe it's not...

_Just maybe_...

* * *

_Author's Note: For the life of me I couldn't just end it without hope._

_And, you know, it's strange. I don't even like this story. Like, it's really choppy, and time skippy, and just bad..._

_Anyway...THE END!_

_Hope you enjoyed! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and followed and such! Thank you!_


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